ALL THE NEWS THAT'S FIT TO SPOOF ROSIE, O'REILLY & HUSH FACTOR.

Byline: STEVE YOUNG

(Note: I would like to give a shout out to all those who decided to speak this past week. Without them, today's column could not have been written.)

Hush Express -- John McCain was chastised for saying that walking through a Baghdad market was just as safe as walking through an Indiana marketplace. "Have you ever been to an Indiana market?" said the former Straight-Talk Expresser. "If you don't bring at least a hundred soldiers and a couple Black Hawk helicopters with you when you shop in Terre Haute, you're crazy." McClain said last week's bombing of the Iraqi parliament dinina hall that killed three lawmakers proved his point. "If they would've stuck to shopping at that market guarded by a hundred soldiers, instead of making laws, they'd be alive today."

Hush #1 -- After being fired from MSNBC and CBS radio, to ensure against potential lapses in judgment, Don Imus has pledged that he would do any future radio shows without speaking. "We considered limiting him to only mime and sign language," said a skittish Imus representative, "but he is so used to moving his mouth, we didn't feel it would be enough. So Don has agreed to the rarely-performed 'mouth removal,' which will not only keep him from actually saying anything stupid, but will keep other shows from replaying Don's remarks."

After the operation Imus refused comment. "See, it's working," added the representative.

Hush Factor -- Think Bill O'Reilly is upset enough with The View's Rosie O'Donnell? He thinks ABC should limit what she is allowed to say. "Bill believes no one should get away with saying stupid things," said an anonymous Factor producer. To show how serious he is, Bill will be boycotting his own show until Fox News starts to limit what he is allowed to say.

Sh-h-h-h. He's hunting wittle wittle wabbits -- Claiming his lack of a hunting license doesn't mean he isn't a rabid hunter, presidential candidate Mitt Romney said he regularly hunts smaller varmints. "I don't know how many caterpillars and mosquitoes I've nailed over the years," said the safari-capped Romney as he shot his chewin' tobaccy into a spittoon.

Just leave a wee bit earlier -- The second day of the Dodgers' new parking lot system worked out far better than the first. "Many of the fans were able to get out of Tuesday night's game far faster," said team owner Frank McCourt. "Unfortunately, those fans were still left over from Monday."

We can now all move on -- Final DNA tests have proved once and for all that the father of Anna Nicole Smith's baby is Larry Birkhead, not Smith's lawyer, Howard Stern. But Stern says the setback won't stop him from moving ahead. "I plan to put in my claim on any number of other millionaire-to-be infants," said the ever-slimy attorney.

Paper or plastic -- Los Angeles is now considering whether to ban plastic bags in markets. Here's one vote for paper; they don't collapse and spill the groceries all over the trunk, and the handles don't cut off your fingers when carrying too many at once ... and best of all ... they make great toys for the kiddies that will rarely suffocate them.

Proof ... poof -- Charges were dropped in the yearlong Duke lacrosse rape case due to a lack of evidence that a crime had been committed. Prosecutors were dismayed but vowed to keep on looking for something that won't make them appear to be complete incompetents. "If we can't come up with something ourselves, we've asked O.J. to stop his search for Nicole's killer long enough to find something else to ruin the lives of these players with."

Sanjaya not kicked off "Idol' update -- In an attempt to show that nothing he would do would get him voted off the show, for his latest song Sanjaya Malakar chose to recite President Kennedy's "Ich Bin Ein Berliner" speech while tossing fish heads at Simon Cowell. It wasn't even close. Next week: Sanjaya burps Mozart.

No wonder they're fighting -- In what might be a breakthrough in the Iraqi insurgency, representatives for the Sunnis and Shiites admitted that they don't know which is which. "We first thought the Sunnis were the really religious ones," said a Shiite leader, "then someone said it was the other way around. Now, we're really not sure at all."

Question of the week -- The 15 British sailors and marines who were released from Iran said the admissions of Britain's guilt while under Iranian capture were coerced and untrue. And we need to weaken the Geneva Conventions torture guidelines because ...?

Thanks for the good words -- Author Kurt Vonnegut, he of "Slaughterhouse-Five," passes at 84.

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(color) Former Massachusetts Gov. Mitt Romney, who is seeking the Republican presidential nomination, addresses reporters after a meeting with local Republican leaders at the Hilton Suites in Chicago.

Jeff Haynes/Getty Images