ALL THE NEWS THAT'S FIT TO SPOOF RICHARDS NEXT FOR BOOK DEAL?

If: Fox TV and Regan Publishing, undeterred by the loss of the O.J. Simpson book, ``If I Had Killed My Wife, Here's How I Would Have Used The Opportunity To Make Millions From It,'' are in discussions with former successful actor and comedian Michael Richards about a book title, ``If I Had Really Been A Racist, Here's What I Would Have Called Those N--, um, Guys.''

Then: The families of Ron Goldman and Nicole Simpson say they were offered millions of dollars by Fox as hush money. ``That's ridiculous,'' said Rupert Murdoch, head of all things Fox. ``It's just that if we actually broadcast the show, we could have said that they took blood money to put on a mindless piece of trash. That's not hush money. That's just how TV works.''

Opposites attract: Obstetrician-gynecologist Eric Keroack, who served as medical director of a pregnancy-counseling organization that disparages the use of condoms, has been selected to head the U.S. Health Department's family-planning program. In an unrelated story, Michael Richards and Mel Gibson have been named co-directors of the Department of Race Relations.

Actor Wesley Snipes, who's being investigated for tax evasion, claims: ``It appears I'm to be the scapegoat, because there's more public interest in `celebrities gone bad' than `rich people being taken advantage of.''

All together now ... tsk-tsk-tsk. And for good measure ... ah-h-h-h.

Saying a bellyful: In its annual report, the U.S. Department of Agriculture has determined that the word ``hunger'' no longer applies in the U.S., and that ``very low food security'' is a more scientifically appetizing description for people who may be spending their day, um, hungry.

``First of all, there are only 35 million Americans who have very low food security,'' said one USDA sociologist. ``The fact is that these formally `starving' -- or what we like to call `successfully fighting obesity' -- families no longer have to deal with the stigma of being labeled `poor' or `needy.' From now on, they can be proud, `no worry about what to do with leftovers' Americans.''

Dog days: Mayor Villaraigosa has vetoed the $2.7 million settlement in a city anti-discrimination case involving a firefighter who was fed dog food by his firefighting buddies. ``I just thought the City Council decision opens up a floodgate of potential lawsuits,'' said the mayor. ``Especially from all those firehouse Dalmatians.''

Teens know better? Last year, a record four out of 10 children were born out of wedlock, while teen pregnancies have actually decreased. ``I have tried to talk sense into these rascally adults,'' said 15-year old Zack Dude, ``but once they get something in their heads, well, the next thing you know, they're all over each other.''

Montreal, here they come! Rep. Charles Rangel, D-N.Y., is pushing for a resumption of a national draft, but with a twist. ``This time, the first to go will be congressmen, Cabinet members and talk-show hosts who dodged the last draft,'' said Rangel. ``We'll be out of the Middle East before the first vice president hits the Canadian border.''

No O! Shockingly, Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes did not invite the Queen of All That Is Woman, Oprah Winfrey, to their wedding. ``It's not that the Cruises had a problem with Oprah herself,'' said a bouncing-on-a-couch TomKat PR person. ``It's just the risk that she might give away a car to everyone at the wedding and upstage Tom and Katie, who were only giving away Scientology personality tests.''

One small swing for man: Last week, Russian cosmonaut Mikhail Tyurin hit a golf ball into space outside the International Space Station in a promotional stunt for a Canadian golf-club manufacturer. The golf exhibition was supposed to take place last year, but the cosmonauts ahead of Tyurin were playing too slow.

Tyurin said he originally got the golf club for his wife. ``Great trade,'' said the other cosmonauts.

Asked why the Russian space golfer brought along an extra space suit, Tyurin said, ``In case I got a hole in one.''

And that, ladies and gentlemen is exactly how it happened.

Idle time: And for those of you expecting a pleasant trip home from your Thanksgiving vacation today, ... see ya Tuesday.