ALL THE NEWS THAT'S FIT TO SPOOF READ BETWEEN THE BORDERS.

Byline: STEVE YOUNG

Militarizing borders: President George W. Bush will be sending 6,000 troops to guard the borders, but that hasn't made everyone happy. ``This move still leaves every Barnes & Noble and Waldenbooks accessible to anyone who might want to read illegally,'' said one Minuteman, who admitted he hadn't really been paying attention to what he was volunteering for.

More border: The Pentagon ordered everyone who wants to militarize the border to replace the soldiers in Iraq who will come home to guard it. Thousands of radio talk-show hosts, pundits, legislators and Cabinet officials who never served in the military but are in favor of sending kids into battle rushed to volunteer.

Nah. I'm kidding.

What part of the word ``illegal'' don't they understand?: Here's an immigration compromise: Those who have entered the U.S. illegally will agree to leave the country if everyone who has driven over the speed limit, padded their tax deductions, lied to their constituents, drank under the legal age, passed laws that poison the earth, consumed drugs illicitly, used their position to fatten their own pocket book, cheated on their spouse, driven under the influence or tore the ``do not remove under penalty of law'' tag off their mattress turns themselves in. Deal?

Trump trumped: In an attempt to place his name on everything that ... well, everything, zillionaire/developer/comb-over Donald Trump is looking to rename a Rancho Palos Verdes street that leads to his new golf course ``Trump National Drive.'' Trump said that he would consider compromise if the city didn't push too hard. City leaders said they'd consider compromising if they could change the name of the city's port-a-potties to Trump Dump.

Saving time and money: In a cost-cutting measure, CBS simultaneously announced the shows for its new fall lineup as well as the shows' cancellations. ``The cost savings to promotional budgets, dressing rooms and bagels at those depressing day-after-the-ratings-come-out meetings will be immeasurable,'' said CBS head honcho Les Moonves.

Uh-oh, Brownie revisited: In a speech at the American Enterprise Institute, Karl Rove actually said that President Bush was doing a ``heck of a job.'' No word on when the president will be fired.

But what if it's true? In the midst of concerns of an actual attack on Christianity, theater audiences were shocked when it was revealed that ``The Da Vinci Code'' is a fictional film based on a fictional book about a fictional controversy. Expect a Bill O'Reilly boycott against Hollywood's War on Non-Fiction sometime this week.

Da Vinci spoiler: Don't want to give away the ending but the secret is out. The Code reveals that ... it's not a very good film.

Poker ... face? Ireland will be home to the world's biggest strip-poker tournament. I don't know. You would have thought they would have picked some place warmer.

Enron in jury's hands: In a last-minute bid to keep from going to jail, former Enron Corp. chiefs Kenneth Lay and Jeffrey Skilling, accused of fraud and conspiracy, sold off the jury's hands.

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Photo:

(color) A U.S. Border Patrol vehicle rides along the fence separating Nogales, Ariz., right, with Nogales, Mexico. In addition to Borders, some Minutemen worry about protecting Barnes & Noble as well.

Gregory Bull/Associated Press