ALL THE NEWS THAT'S FIT TO SPOOF PRESIDENT NO-SHOW AT CANDLELIGHT VIGIL.

Byline: STEVE YOUNG

President refuses to visit Woodland Hills candlelight vigil: Wednesday, hundreds of Valley residents gathered at Warner Center Park to support Gold Star Families for Peace and Cindy Sheehan were disappointed that President George W. Bush never showed up to meet with them.

``We planned to stay at the corner of Topanga Canyon and Califa until the president showed up,'' said an unidentified organizer, ``but after 30 minutes the writing was on the wall.''

``I guess the president's five-week vacation is more important than answering Cindy's question ... Ow!,'' said another vigiler as wax from her candle dripped onto her hand.

Studio City: IPod first to own its own teenager: Claiming it was ``sick and tired'' of the 14-year-old Campbell School student incessantly playing Kelly Clarkson's ``Since U Been Gone,'' a disgruntled Apple iPod became what is believed to be the first MP3 player to download its very own human.

``Actually, it's not the entire kid,'' said the small portable digital audio player. ``Just her shadow. But, man, can that silhouette dance.''

The parents of Sarah Josh, the teen now the iPod's property, don't seem to be bothered. ``We were pretty much tapped out after the bas mitzvah,'' said Jackie Josh. ``Let the iPod pay for her college. Then let's hear it complain about Kelly Clarkson.''

Does this include Canter's?: In a formerly undisclosed portion of the Gaza Strip agreement, Los Angeles Jews will be asked to vacate the Fairfax District. Officials in Mayor Antonio Villaraigosa's office, who were caught by surprise, sprang into action. ``If it helps end the hostility in the Middle East, it's the least we can do,'' said a spokesperson for the mayor. ``We've made plans for a temporary settlement on the third level of the Beverly Center. There's a pretty good deli one floor up.''

Some die-hard Fairfax villagers aren't happy with the surprise pullout.

``Can I at least finish the matzah-brei first?'' asked one disgruntled settler. ``I tend to bloat when I gorge. Too much air.'

Schwarzenegger proposes sweeping penalties for sex offenders: The governor introduced a law requiring molesters to wear satellite tracking devices for life.

``It's a gutsy move by the governor,'' said an unidentified member of his staff. ``Those surveillance chips aren't very comfortable, yet the governor hasn't complained about his.''

U.N. Update: Bolton's mustache attacks French ambassador's mustache: ``It was way too French,'' said the U.S. ambassador's bushy lip hair. ``I may just rip off that German consul's sideburns next.''

Fuel prices continue to rise: While a gallon of gas surpassed the price of Haagen-Dazs - the company - executives at most major oil companies aren't jumping for joy.

``You try explaining how you have no control over making billions of dollars extra while the public can't afford to get to work,'' said an anonymous Exxon/Mobil executive. ``It's not all parties and big mansions, you know.

``Well, actually, it is,'' he added, ``but now, even with all the exploding profits, the new energy bill is going to add about a gazillion more to our bottom line. Now, how are we supposed to spend that?''

Meanwhile service station employees complain about repeated pump breakdowns due to their inability keep up with the speed of the increases.

``These things weren't made to twirl so fast,'' said Buzz, thecash register guy behind the bulletproof glass. ``You want a Quik Pick oran Instant with the change?''

Iraqis late handing in constitution ... blame dog: The governing body was given another week to finish the country's governing charter, but the parents of some of the delegates aren't too happy.

``They were given a year to complete this thing,'' said one delegate's mom, ``but I guess avoiding assassination attempts and car bombings was more important.''

Some Iraqis blame the lack of discipline today. ``Why, when I was a delegate, Saddam would never let us get away with handing in our work late,'' said one handless parent.

Michael Jackson jurors change their mind: Thinking that the trial was just part of a video being shot for the King of Pop's newest album, two jurors now admit that they'd been duped.

``If I had known this was for real, I would have him found him guilty in two seconds,'' cried Juror No. 8.

Movie review of the week ``Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo:'' One word: A classic.

The Swiftonian satire. The subtleties. The nuances. The lack of predictability.

Deuce Bigalow is not so much a film as a ``Ulysses''-like novel placed lovingly on the screen. From the billboard ad and its almost imperceptible placement of the Tower of Pisa protruding from Rob Schneider's crotch area to Eddie Griffin's male prostitute pimp, 'European Gigolo' soars far beyond expectations.

Schneider's performance grants us insight to the soul of character not seen since Carrot Top's ``Chairman of the Board.'' Hopefully ``European Gigolo'' will persuade studios to search through their vaults for other classics to sequelize. Perhaps, then, one day, ``Chairman of the Board, Part 2,'' will not only be a dream, but a reality we can savor.

Thankfully, word is that the Bigalow franchise is already in development of, ``Deuce Bigalow: Can You Believe I'm Actually Being Paid for This Garbage?''

CAPTION(S):

2 photos

Photo:

(1 -- color) Those standing vigil against the Iraq war at Warner Center Park hoped President Bush would drop by, but gave up on him after a half-hour.

Michael Owen Baker/Staff Photographer

(2 -- color) Gas prices are rising so fast - this station is on The Old Road in Castaic - the pumps are breaking down from the constant changes.

Hans Gutknecht/Staff Photographer