ALL THE NEWS THAT'S FIT TO SPOOF NOT MILLER TIME IN TURIN.

Byline: STEVE YOUNG

--Where are my medals, dude? While he didn't live up to the hype, skier Bode Miller did set a record for most medals not won during one Olympics.

Selling out: The White House defended the sale of shipping operations at six major U.S. seaports to a government-owned business in the United Arab Emirates, calling it a brouhaha over nothing. ``It's not like they're in charge of port security,'' declared presidential spokesman Scott McClellan. ``That's going to be handled by Iran.''

Responding to the report that the president didn't know about the deal until finding out about it in the news, McClellan said, ``I hope that puts to rest the idea that the president doesn't read the papers.''

--Unable to get alternative energy off shoe: Scientists announced that methane derived from enhanced dog feces can be used as fuel, though others think the new process stinks. ``It's nearly impossible to get the smell of the fuel off your fingers,'' said Dr. Wil Scoop. ``And dogs are running much faster after cars using the new fuel.''

Scientists are also high on bull excrement as a fuel additive, which, as one expert put it, ``could run America for years just from what emanates out of Washington alone.''

It's all how you look at it: Government scientists say that global warming is more illusion than fact. ``It's not that the icebergs are melting,'' said professor May Kitup, ``it's that the Earth is getting larger while the icebergs are staying the same size, giving the impression that the icebergs are getting smaller.''

Next week the government will be releasing the ``Babies come from ostriches' storks'' study. Scientists say that there will be surprise revelations. ``Since stork babies are widely believed to come from storks,'' said Kitup, ``it doesn't take a brain obstetrician to see where we're going with this.''

--They've got the right balls: In what might be the most ironic story last week, the lucky Powerball winner of $365 million was thought for a time to be Exxon Oil. ``After the latest tax break we got,'' said giddy Exxon spokesman Rich Azwannabe, ``we'll probably put the lottery winnings into petty cash for our July picnic.''

--Sorry I put my face in the way of your bullet: Harry Whittington, the lawyer who was accidentally shot by Dick Cheney, apologized for the misery his being shot put the vice president and Cheney's family through. ``It isn't Whittington's apology that's mystifying,'' said American Bar Association spokesman Ian Witdadevl, ``It's an attorney feeling sorry for anything that's really got us scratching out heads.''

What are they smoking? The Supreme Court ruled unanimously that a small branch of a South American religious sect may use hallucinogenic tea as part of a ritual intended to connect with God. Now the group, O Centro Espirita Beneficiente Uniao do Vegetal, has been forced to bring on help to handle the rush of new converts. ``Dealing with the repeated calls from Hollywood studios alone is overtaxing our already smashed staff,'' giggled OCEBUV's spokesman Stone Alldatyme. ``We had to set up a separate line for Charlie Sheen alone.''

Alldatyme added: ``You gonna finish those fries?''

Saddam caught on tape: Newly broadcast tapes not only reveal that Saddam Hussein spoke of warning about terrorists attacking the United States, but that he also spent Mardi Gras in New Orleans revealing his breasts to college kids offering beads.

Yeah, right: A million-dollar Ferrari crashed this past week on Malibu, leaving in question who the driver actually was. The alleged passenger - the car's owner - said the driver was a German by the name of Dietrich. He also said that Dietrich ran off because she wanted to ``see what the boys in the back room would have.'' Marlena had no comment.

And the bad news is? San Francisco slugger Barry Bonds, complaining that making skillions of dollars playing a kid's game isn't fun anymore, says that his retirement is imminent. Bonds then blamed everybody else who ever lived for his unhappiness.

Real good news: Vin Scully signs up to broadcast Dodger baseball for a couple more years, assuring us of at least one big-time winner on the team.

Can't-make-this-up story of the week: The Chinese government has banned talking animal cartoons because Chinese officials say kiddies might be confused into thinking animals really can talk. Fox News executives are looking into the ban to see if it might keep Bill O'Reilly from broadcasting in China.

CAPTION(S):

2 photos

Photo:

(1 -- color) The peaks at Sestriere Colle, Italy, have been mainly the pits for U.S. rebel Bode Miller in the Turin 2006 Winter Olympics.

Olivier Morin/AFP/Getty Images

(2 -- color) Sheriff's Deputy Jim Mulay carries part of the rear section of an Enzo Ferrari that crashed on Pacific Coast Highway this week.

Michael Owen Baker/Staff Photographer