ALL THE NEWS THAT'S FIT TO SPOOF NO-PASSENGER FLIGHTS NEXT STEP.

Byline: STEVE YOUNG

LAX lines even longer? With the new Homeland Security precautions in place, passengers are being asked not to carry liquids or gels aboard flights. ``If that doesn't stop the terrorists, we're considering banning passengers on most flights,'' said air safety expert Bea Kareful. ``Next to go: pilots and wings. I think that should show our enemies they can't win.''

Hey, dude, your laptop's on fire: Dell Computer announced a recall of lithium batteries that have had a tendency to explode into flames. ``We realized that our laptops weren't crashing for no reason,'' said Dell rep Mal Function. ``We figured a raging fire would get everyone's attention.''

Coming soon to a theater near you: ``Snakes with Exploding Gel-filled Dell Laptops in Their Shoes on Planes.''

U.N. to send peacekeepers? Despite worldwide condemnation and calls for a cease-fire before any more innocent children are hurt, the conflict continues as Roy Romer and Mayor Villaraigosa take the war up to Sacramento.

What do they get for a bad job? Last week, the Daily News congratulated Roy Romer and the Los Angeles Unified School District, saying they ``deserve all due credit for boosting test scores. These accomplishments are real and worthwhile.'' The editorial supported Mayor Villaraigosa's plan to take over the district.

Nutmeg know-nothings: The White House and the national Republican Party will not endorse the Republican candidate in Connecticut. ``To tell you the truth, no one in the party can come up with his name,'' said White House spokesman Tony Snow. ``We've googled `Connecticut,' `Republican' and `candidate,' and the closest thing we come up with is `Lieberman.'''

One small step for fake-kind: The U.S. government has lost the original tape of the first moon landing, including astronaut Neil Armstrong's famous, ``One small step for man, one giant leap for mankind.''

``Not to worry,'' said NASA spokeswoman Marie Osmond, ``We'll just re-enact the landing in the New Mexico studio like we did the first time.''

White House Department of Catchphrases: Republican National Committee Chairman Ken Mehlman rolled out the Republicans' newest clich(hrt) -- ``Adapting to win'' -- in an attempt to rehabilitate the failures embedded in their trusty Iraq, ``Stay the course,'' talking point. The Democrats immediately responded with ``Talk to the hand,'' ``That's going to leave a mark'' and ``Whachoo talkin' `bout, Willis?''

Next up, getting rid of Beverly Hills ghettos: Santa Barbara officials have approved low-income housing for those making up to $160,000 a year. ``These people have suffered in wealth and privilege long enough,'' said Santa Barbara City Councilman Rich Erthangod. ``Hopefully, one day, the semi-well-off will no longer have to suffer in wealth and privilege, languishing in oceanfront condos without space for live-in help.''

It should be crowded: The meeting of all the people who thought the Ramseys had been responsible for their daughter's murder has been moved to the Grand Canyon ... until the event coordinators can find a larger venue.

Real estate cents: Home sales in the greater San Fernando Valley declined an annual 25.5 percent, while prices rose 5.1 percent. Hmm. Wonder when they'll start to figure that the reason sales have lowered is because prices have risen?

Depends what your definition of planet is: A committee of astronomers and historians has proposed a new explanation of the word ``planet'' that would expand the number of planets in our solar system. To fit the definition, an object must be massive enough to have gravity and circle a star. The list of obese paparazzi is still being compiled by the newly renovated Griffith Observatory.

She should know: Outspoken Rep. Cynthia McKinney, D-Ga., who punched a Capitol policeman and blamed it on racism and sexism, attributed her substantial primary-election loss to irregularities. Most voters obviously agreed.

Upping the charge: The L.A. City Council has agreed to electric rate hikes by the Department of Water & Power. ``The intense heat and power expense that have befallen residents of Los Angeles just haven't decimated the public's pocketbook enough,'' said one disguised council member. ``And remember to vote for me in the next election,'' he (or she) added.

Depends how you define ``victory'': Both Hezbollah and Israel have declared victory. As of yet, those who died in the conflict have not been heard from. Funny, huh?