ALL THE NEWS THAT'S FIT TO SPOOF MISS USA TO PURSUE WORLD PEACE IN REHAB.

Byline: STEVE YOUNG

Forget Iraq, here's the biggest news of the past week: Donald Trump announced that Miss USA Tara Conner will not be fired for ``overdoing it'' at some New York clubs, including the alleged kissing of Miss Teen USA. ``I'd be a hypocrite if I fired someone who is doing exactly what I would be doing if I wasn't married,'' said Trump. ``That is, if I am still married.''

Admitting that ``my personal demons are my personal demons,'' Miss Conner will be going into rehab, not to stop drinking, but to help her stop making inane statements.

One more day and the war is over, till next year: After two months of saying he was winning the War on Christmas, Bill O'Reilly finally admitted that while we weren't losing the war, we weren't winning it either. ``Hollywood has become the gathering place for those whose main objective is to destroy everything we're dying to buy in the name of Jesus,'' Bill said. ``So it is that we must continue to fight the War on Christmas over there so we don't have to say `Happy Holidays' over here. That means we don't leave until the mission is complete, because if we don't stop people from saying `Happy Holidays' right now, George Clooney will have won.''

What a shock: A new study reports that Los Angeles Unified and other school districts nationwide give more money and assign more experienced teachers to schools in wealthier areas than to schools with predominantly low-income and minority students. ``Finally we have a simple answer on how to address the at-risk student,'' said an anonymous LAUSD official. ``If poor families want their children to get better educations, they only need only to get richer. Next question.''

Deny-deny-deny: With the success of last week's Holocaust-denier conference in Iran, next year, denier planners will be combining efforts with Global Warming deniers and husbands caught with their secretaries in motel rooms. ``It's a cost-saving move,'' said Holocaust Myth CEO Adolph Mussolini. ``But honestly, getting that many idiots in three different locations is a monster. But if you say I said so, I'll deny it.''

It's like taxes: Although doctors report that Sen. Tom Johnson, D-S.D., is recovering well after his stroke, which would keep the Democrats in the majority in the Senate, Republicans are looking to pass a last-minute bill legally redefining ``recuperation'' as ``deceased.''

``Sooner or later, he will die,'' said a very hopeful Senate Minority Leader Trent Lott. ``We're just saving Senator Johnson's family from having to face the inevitable later.''

``If She Offended Everyone, Here's How She Would Have Done It'': HarperCollins fired editor Judith Regan due to a combination of her decision to publish the O.J. Simpson kind-of tell-all, and then making anti- Semitic remarks in a phone conversation to her publishing house's lawyer. ``I just can't get my offensive books published fast enough,'' Regan said. ``So I figured I could spread hate faster by phone.''

The salad and pasta refills did it: 300 people were reported as being made sick after eating at an Indianapolis Olive Garden. ``There was no problem with food going bad,'' said Miss Garden. ``It was just that the food was too good. Those people weren't sick. They were just pigs.''

Imagine: The FBI has released its final surveillance documents on former Beatle John Lennon to a university historian who waged a 25-year legal battle to obtain the secret files. Among the information found was that John was, in fact, the Walrus.

Third time's the charm: Rapper Eminem and his wife Kim Mathers filed for divorce last week, less than a year after they were remarried after marrying for the first time in 1999. ``We had to,'' said the former Matthew Mathers of the split. ``Invitations for our next wedding had already been sent out.''

And I thought I had low self-esteem before: Time Magazine's choice of 2006 Person of the Year, YOU, included everyone but ME. Thanks a lot.

Thanks: To Joe Barbera for Yogi, to Larry Sherry for '59, and to all of YOU for allowing all of ME to serve up the jokes for the last year.