ALL THE NEWS THAT'S FIT TO SPOOF LITTLE SEAN WAS JUST HELPING MOMMY OUT.

Byline: STEVE YOUNG

Britney's baby's smarterer than Britney: Criticized for allowing her 5- month-old son to sit in her lap while driving, singer Britney Spears said it wasn't so much a matter of endangerment as much as one of safety. ``Have you ever seen me drive?'' giggled Spears, explaining that Baby Sean was actually doing the driving.

``Besides, who do you think took the written test for me?''

Cartoon second thoughts: The newly merged WB/UPN network is rethinking its first joint effort. The animated series ``Mohammed, The Prophet with the Bomb In His Turban'' was set to hit the CBS/Warner airways this past Saturday morning. ``Really, other than the violent protests and the burning down of our studios, it tested like gangbusters with the kids,'' said CW spokesman Wil Blaspheme. ``But I guess topical religious mockery animation needs to be rethought.''

Blaspheme said the cancellation will not affect any of their other new productions. ```Sergeant Amputee and His Pal Rummy' is still on track to premiere on Veterans Day.''

Motown causes morbid obesity: A health study completed at halftime of last week's Super Bowl showed clear evidence that the ``Detroit sound'' is a leading factor in massive weight gain. ``Fitting the stage with a giant scale, we determined that the combined weight of the Rolling Stones and their roadies weighed less than the former Little Stevie Wonder,'' said obesity specialist Dr. Hi Lee Ovarwate. ``Of course, some of our data were based on conjecture as, for the safety of everyone concerned, we were forced to keep Aretha Franklin and Aaron Neville off the stage.''

We said reform, not change: After closed-door, no-Democrats-allowed, private lobbying by the health insurance industry with Republican lawmakers, a Senate bill that was to cut $26 billion in Medicare payments to the insurance companies was reduced to $4 billion. New House Majority Leader John A. Boehner, R-Ohio, said his lobby-corruption efforts are already paying dividends. ``In the old days, we would have wiped out the entire bill.''

Winter Olympics vanishes: Not sure whether it's actually missing or it's already been held and no one noticed; international police have little to go on. ``We know it was planned,'' said Interpol's crime dog Chauncy McGruff, ``but we have yet to find anyone who had any interest in it who might have been a witness to the crime, if there was one.''

God a no-show at Grammys: After decades of being credited for the success of most of the award winners at the annual music bash, the Lord God skipped this past week's Grammy show. ``To tell you the truth, he was just plain embarrassed,'' said a spokesangel who asked not to be named.

Stranger than electrical-powered fiction: Attorney General Alberto Gonzales testified that Presidents George Washington and Abraham Lincoln, like President George W. Bush, had authorized unauthorized electronic surveillance. In a podcast that followed the testimony, Thomas Edison text-messaged friends that he had turned over in his grave.

Democrats announce new funeral rallies: ``If the memorial for Coretta Scott King proved one thing,'' said Democratic National Committee Chairman Howard Dean, ``it's that funerals make great forums to get out our message.'' Asked where their next nominating convention will be, Dean said that while a city has yet to be named, ``we do know that it will be at someone's funeral.''

Pronunciation surveillance program: Citing authority granted him in the 2001 War Powers Act, President Bush has legally changed the spelling of ``nuclear'' to ``nucular.''

``Too many people have forgotten that 9-11 changed everything,'' said the president.

You go, McDonalds: A new study has revealed that low-fat diets do not lower the possibility of cancer or heart disease. In another health shocker, smoking cigarettes and bullets shot directly into one's head from a foot away are actually good for you.

What did you expect in liberal La-La Land? Los Angeles motorists will be able to turn left without dodging oncoming traffic at nearly 160 more intersections under a new $8 million traffic signal upgrade. Bill O'Reilly promptly called for a boycott of Los Angeles, demanding to know why those turning left get their own signal while people turning right get nothing.

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(color) Britney Spears sparked an uproar when paparazzi snapped photos of her driving an SUV with her infant on her lap.

Matthew Simmons/Getty Images