ALL THE NEWS THAT'S FIT TO SPOOF LITTLE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN FORCE, FARCE.

Byline: STEVE YOUNG

Maybe they could send croissants: After leading the effort to approve a U.N. agreement to send a peacekeeping force into Lebanon, France committed only 200 peacekeepers. ``It should be plenty," said leading French quitter Jacques Chirac. ``I mean, vraiment. How many French does it take to surrender? No need to answer. It was rhetorical,'' he added.

WMD finally found ... at Rocketdyne: While it was revealed that the former owners of the Santa Susana Field Lab destroyed napalm, dioxin and other highly toxic materials in open-air burn pits in Ventura County, Boeing officials are blaming Saddam Hussein. ``It was either Saddam or the Los Angeles school board,'' said Boeing public relations director Bull Slick. ``We're pretty much going to blame everything on one of them.''

A new ``cut one and run'' strategy: The White House is denying the U.S. News and World Report study disclosing President Bush's fondness for flatulence jokes. ``The article is highly misleading,'' said presidential spokesman Tony Snow. ``Secretary of Defense Rumsfeld just happened to pull the president's finger while he was calling congressmen to ask if their refrigerators were running. What was he supposed to do?''

Being Osama: In a story from Osama bin Laden's former mistress, it's reported that the missing madman was infatuated with singer Whitney Houston and had thought about offing husband Bobby Brown.

See? There's a little good in everybody.

No longer a dirty young man: Former President Bill Clinton turned 60 on Aug. 19, saying that he can still do the things he did when he was 10 years younger. ``I just can't get impeached for it,'' read the thought bubble over his head.

Paramount cuts ties with Cruise: ``It's not for his relationship with Scientology nor his bizarre couch-bouncing on `Oprah,' nor for his demeaning of sick people needing anti-depressants,'' said Paramount CEO Sumner Redstone. ``I just got around to seeing `Mission: Impossible III.'''

Mickey devastated: Leading astronomers shocked the world, nay solar system -- at least the one that used to be -- by declaring that Pluto is not only no longer a planet, but also no longer a Disney character. ``We had no choice,'' said one Disneyland veterinarian. ``When he came in to be, um, fixed, he was quite adamant that he was just a regular human in a dog suit.''

Now where do they not play the Dixie Chicks? Los Angeles radio station KZLA went the way of the dodo bird when management revamped the station from country western into top-40 radio. They also decided there was no need to inform their listeners that they were morphing Toby Keith into Britney Spears and morning host Peter Tilden into Rick Dees. ``We never figured on our listeners noticing the difference,'' said station manager, O. Blivious Tureality.

Knee deep in macaca: Virginia Sen. George Allen has been spending the week trying to explain away his calling his opponent's aide ``macaca.''

``It was an unfortunate mistake,'' said the possible 2008 presidential candidate. ``What I meant to do was invite the young fella over for some of my special homemade cocoa. It wasn't a racial thing. Can I help it if the little colored kid took it wrong?''

A plague on his nut house: JonBen(hrt)t Ramsey's alleged killer, John Mark Karr, now also admits to killing the firstborn male child of Pharaoh. ``It was an accident,'' explained the really creepy-looking admitted pedophile. ``I only meant to turn his water into blood, and I guess I just got carried away.''

But Karr did refuse to take responsibility for the murder of Harry Potter in the next J.K. Rowlings novel. ``I'm not saying I didn't kill Harry,'' whined Karr. ``I'm just not allowed to reveal whether I did until after the book's released.''

Giving us a bad name: Condemnation of Karr keeps pouring in with insane three-name killers refusing to buy Karr's moniker. ``It cheapens the crimes and names of some of our greatest three-name assassins like John Wilkes Booth and Lee Harvey Oswald,'' said John Lennon's murderer, Mark David Chapman. ``From what I can tell, Karr never used a middle name until last week.''

Out of the goodness of their wallets: Word has it that fuel prices may have peaked this year. ``It's a simple economic adjustment,'' said petroleum official Moe Naybags. ``We've already made enough money to buy everything that exists. We didn't want to get greedy ... at least for another week.''

Canoga Park, the New Beverly Hills-adjacent: The newly expanded Westfield Topanga Mall in Canoga Park will have concierges, take reservations for the food court, and offer personal shoppers -- for those of us, I guess, who aren't familiar with how to shop. Westfield officials believe that the new mall will bring the San Fernando Valley a touch of Beverly Hills.

``Now Vals can feel the same inadequacy and inability to afford even the most minimal of essentials without having to drive to Beverly Hills,'' said Westfield's Thurston Howell IV.