ALL THE NEWS THAT'S FIT TO SPOOF LEAVE THE JOKES TO THE COMEDIANS.

Byline: STEVE YOUNG

Dear John K. and all the other comedy wannabes: Stop it! Stop it right now! In real life, Robin Williams doesn't run for office, so why do you persist in trying out for Comedy Central on the campaign trail? Didn't you learn anything from President Bush's reference to the possibility of a Democratic Congress by contorting a joke about Nancy Pelosi ``measuring the drapes'' and ``dancing in the end zone''? Do I need tell you how the press corps (most of which were sober) responded to his joke?

My point is, if you're a politician, ... politic. Don't audition for a weekend spot at The Laugh Factory. Leave the jokes to the comics. And if you're a comic, tell jokes. Don't do movies like ``Man of the Year.'' Leave them to actors ... like Ronald Reagan.

Best California costumes of Halloween '06: Arnold dressed up as a Democrat. Angelides dressed up as a competitive candidate.

How many do they need? Twelve people were charged in Orange County with fraudulently registering Democrats and independents as Republicans. Hey, guys, don't waste your time. It's the OC. You have a higher percentage of Republicans than the Bush Cabinet.

My Annual Propositions Guide: 1. If the proposition's TV ad spot says it's ``for'' something, it's a pretty good bet it's against it.

2. If a sponsor of a proposition is an oil company, even if it calls the proposition, ``We Are Against Big Oil Because They Are Nazi Profiteers,'' the proposition is pro-oil.

3. People who are wondering what happened to Propositions 2 through 82 need only check behind the dryer under the single socks.

But he could still vote in Chicago: While many believe the very alive and well 73-year-old Richard Robinson of Palmdale was declared legally dead years ago due to an attempt to rob him of his rightful part of a family estate, Robinson admits the reason was more political. ``It was the only way I figured I could stop getting those recorded phone calls from Barbara Boxer and President Bush during dinner.''

Hey, bartender, another shot of health, please: A study by Harvard Medical School and the National Institute on Aging shows that heavy doses of a red-wine ingredient lowers the rate of diabetes, liver problems and other fat-related ill effects in obese mice. A representative for the rotund mice announced relief. ``After KFC (Kentucky Fried Chicken, before their marketing guy figured that if they didn't actually spell out the word ``fried,'' no one would know that's what the chicken is) took that great-tasting fat out of their chicken last week, most of us needed a drink,'' said Mickey Mass. ``Now if they could figure how to make the cheese lactose-tolerant.''

All they need is love ... from someone else: The contentious divorce proceeding between Heather Mills and Paul McCartney reached critical mass as Heather blamed Paul's turning 64 for the separation. ``He didn't lose his hair, like he said he would,'' said Mills. ``I couldn't believe anything he sang after that.''

Through his attorney, Paul laid blame for the divorce on Yoko Ono. ``We pretty much blame her for everything,'' said the lawyer, Bill A. Bundle.

That's why this lady is a scamp: Devil-may-care pundit and author Ann Coulter is refusing to cooperate in an investigation into voting fraud, and prosecutors in Palm Beach County, Fla., are threatening to file charges. Coulter's publisher simultaneously announced that they will soon be releasing Anne's newest book, ``Godless Liberal Prosecutors in Florida Are Killing American Conservative Babies.'' It's a children's book.

Jersey girls ... and girls: New Jersey's highest court ruled that same-sex couples in New Jersey must be given all the benefits and rights enjoyed by married men and women. New Jersey divorce lawyers have yet to stop partying.

Come on down no more: Longtime game-show host Bob Barker has decided to retire after only a little over 50 years in the business. ``It's not so much that I'm tired of working,'' said ``The Price is Right'' emcee. ``It was just getting harder and harder to keep the third bidder from beating the hell out of the last guy for bidding one dollar more than the third.''

Next Sunday: My sure-fire predictions for which candidates will win the midterms.