ALL THE NEWS THAT'S FIT TO SPOOF LANCE AND SHUTTLE BOTH GROUNDED.

Byline: STEVE YOUNG

Lance Armstrong retires: The guy beats cancer, wins seven straight Tours de France, trysts with Sheryl Crow and then retires.

Can you believe it took all that before we find out the guy is a quitter?

Mayor refuses to stand pat: Fulfilling his campaign pledge to undo excessive plans for L.A. ``modernization,'' Mayor Antonio Villaraigosa replaced the 2005 Dodgers lineup with the 1959 World Champion Dodgers. ``With Gagne out, I just felt we could use Larry Sherry coming in from the bullpen,'' said the relentless Villaraigosa.

``The mayor feels that no one is untouchable, so you never know who will be the next to ...,'' said manager Jim Tracy, before he was replaced by Walter Alston in mid-sentence.

No cameras allowed: Citing a string of incidents in which celebrities have been harassed, if not assaulted, by paparazzi, Assemblywoman Cindy Montaez, D-Mission Hills, used a photo-op in her office to announce her plans for a law targeting aggressive photographers.

Labor splits: To celebrate the AFL-CIO's 50th anniversary, the Teamsters Union announced its break with the largest union in the country. The most upset by the labor rift is the Democratic Party, which gets some of its largest contributions from the union. ``Big changes will have to be made,'' complained one anonymous money-taker from the DNC. ``Now we'll have to make two deposits.''

Democrats need more: The Senate Democrats' insatiable appetite for documents from Supreme Court nominee John Roberts might have reached the tipping point as Sen. Joe Biden, D-Conn., demanded Roberts' fifth-grade report on the American Indian for which, word has leaked, he received an ``incomplete.''

``Roberts' early attitude toward Native Americans and finishing jobs he started could very well determine his suitability for the court,'' Biden said. ``Besides, it's not like he wasn't told it would end up on his permanent record.''

CAFTA passes narrowly: ``While the close House vote clearly shows that legislators believe the agreement will benefit, hurt or do absolutely nothing for American trade,'' said an anonymous congressional insider, ``95 percent of Americans don't know what CAFTA is.''

Question of the week: NASA has grounded its space shuttle fleet. Wouldn't it have been more constructive to make that announcement before Discovery had launched?

Echinacea no panacea: A study published in the New England Journal of Medicine finds that the herbal supplement used by millions of Americans to prevent or treat colds neither prevented colds nor relieved cold symptoms. The report revealed that volunteers who took echinacea fared no better than those who took a placebo.

Undeterred, drug-company executives hailed the study as a breakthrough for the placebo industry and immediately began marketing ``Placebos,'' at a price unaffordable to anyone needing them.

In an totally unrelated story, Placebo Monthly has announced the signing of Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger as its newest columnist.

300 Boy Scouts at jamboree fall sick awaiting president's speech: You write your own punch line.

He saved millions: Sir Richard Doll, the British scientist who first established a link between smoking and lung cancer, died Sunday at the age of 92. The heads of the major cigarette companies immediately testified that there was no link between Doll's death and the end of his life.

Daylight-saving time extension throws off Gonzalez: Citing confusion over when the new daylight-saving time extension begins, Attorney General Alberto Gonzalez said he waited 12 hours before telling the White House that documents in the Rove/Plame investigation were being requested by the federal prosecutor.

``C'mon, guys,'' said an anonymous source out of the White House, ``at least he told Andy Card, the White House chief of staff, right away, who probably told everybody anyway. I mean, what else would he do, shred the documents?''

WB Frog croaks: ``The frog is dead and buried,'' announced the WB's Chairman Garth Ancier this past week as Michigan J. Frog, the cartoon symbol of the WB, lost his job as the network's mascot. WB executives were nonplused by the upset fans of the Chuck Jones cartoon figure, who would have been 50 years old this season.

``Hey, if he were a writer, we would have dropped him 10 years ago,'' said an unknown WB exec.

Brown moves on: With a totally baseless reputation for team hopping, former Clippers, Spurs, Nuggets, Nets, Pacers, 76ers and Pistons coach Larry Brown agreed this week to become the new coach of the New York Knicks. During the news conference, Brown also announced that he had opened talks with the Miami Heat to replace Pat Riley as general manager.

What ever happened to ...:? Remember John Bolton? The one-time Washington bad boy and United Nations ambassador nominee is now a marriage and family counselor in Temecula.

CAPTION(S):

2 photos

Photo:

(1 -- color) Lance Armstrong carries the U.S. flag during Sunday's victory parade in Paris celebrating his seventh straight Tour de France win.

Peter Dejong/Associated Press

(2 -- color) Shuttle Discovery performs a backflip to allow detailed photography of its heat shield as seen from the International Space Station, Thursday July 28, 2005.

NASA Photo