ALL THE NEWS THAT'S FIT TO SPOOF JACKSONS, ARNOLD AND MORE.Byline: STEVE YOUNGSOME satirical quick takes on the last week's headlines ... Jackson not guilty: Michael Jackson Noun 1. Michael Jackson - United States singer who began singing with his four brothers and later became a highly successful star during the 1980s (born in 1958) Michael Joe Jackson, Jackson verdict leaves thousands of pathetic fans and reporters covering the trial with nothing to do until the next celebrity gets off. While Phil Spector salivates, in a written statement, Jackson's attorney said the pop star will no longer sleep with underaged boys. No word yet on underaged girls. The Jackson hysteria continues: This time it's basketball as the L.A. Lakers bring back former head coach Phil Jackson
Philip Douglas "Phil" Jackson (born September 17, 1945 in Deer Lodge, Montana) is the current coach of the Los Angeles Lakers, an American professional basketball team. , now topping the sports world Sports World are a British sports Retailer, formerly called Sports Soccer. Founded in the late 1970's by former county squash coach Mike Ashley, the group Sports World International is now the UK's largest retailer of sports clothing and accessories. as its luckiest man. Not many men are let go from their job and hired back later. Even fewer get hired back at $10 million per year. But Jackson may be the first to do both, and as, a kicker, get the boss's daughter. Schiavo autopsy: Terry Schiavo's autopsy has resuscitated re·sus·ci·tate v. re·sus·ci·tat·ed, re·sus·ci·tat·ing, re·sus·ci·tates v.tr. To restore consciousness, vigor, or life to. See Synonyms at revive. v.intr. To regain consciousness. the controversy and talk-show ire. The medical examiner's findings revealed she was massively and irreversibly brain-damaged, blind and oblivious to what surrounded her. A spokesman for Sen. Bill Frist, a physician who had diagnosed Schiavo's condition from a video, and led the fight to keep her alive, said the Senate majority leader had no comment. Perhaps the smartest thing a politician ever didn't say. Governor protests: Booed at his alma mater, Santa Monica College Santa Monica College was first opened in 1929 as Santa Monica Junior College. Current enrollment is 32,000 students in more than 90 fields of study. The college also has one of the largest international student populations of any community college in the US, with approximately , during a commencement speech A commencement speech or commencement address is a speech given to graduating students, generally at a university, although the term is also used for secondary education institutions. , Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger told graduates and protesters to work hard at their studies and one day they, too, could take general studies classes at a two-year community college then graduate through correspondence courses. After finishing his remarks, nonplused non·plus tr.v. non·plused also non·plussed, non·plus·ing also non·plus·sing, non·plus·es also non·plus·ses To put at a loss as to what to think, say, or do; bewilder. n. , the charismatic governor punched out 200 of the protesters, then had producer Jerry Bruckheimer blow up the entire campus. President's dinner: At an annual fund-raiser hosted by the National Republican Congressional Committee The National Republican Congressional Committee (NRCC) is the Republican Hill committee for the United States House of Representatives, working to elect Republicans to that body. Its current chair is Rep. Tom Cole of Oklahoma. The NRCC was formed in 1866. and the National Republican Senatorial Committee The National Republican Senatorial Committee (NRSC) is the Republican Hill committee for the United States Senate, working to elect Republicans to that body. The NRSC was founded in 1916 as the Republican Senatorial Campaign Committee. , porn star and former California gubernatorial candidate Mary Carey drew all the big news. But inside reports indicate that the big moment of the night came when one speaker said that if the assertion made by Democratic National Committee Chairman Howard Dean - that the GOP is made up largely of white Christians - is true, then the evening had been ``one heck of an altar call.'' An audience of mostly white Christian Republicans responded with a standing ovation. Senators apologize for not passing anti-lynching laws: The U.S. Senate passed a resolution acknowledging its failure in not passing anti-lynching legislation back when it was needed. An anonymous source said the 16 senators who refused to sign on as sponsors of the resolution didn't add their names because it was difficult to read the bill through their hoods. Dick Cheney defends Guantanamo: With the Gitmo Prison Camp under attack from human-rights groups, an anonymous source for the vice president offered a prudent justification. ``You don't incarcerate in·car·cer·ate tr.v. in·car·cer·at·ed, in·car·cer·at·ing, in·car·cer·ates 1. To put into jail. 2. To shut in; confine. alleged terrorists with the prison camp you want. You take away the Geneva Convention Geneva Convention Declaration of Geneva Global village A standard established in 1864 regarding the conduct of the military towards medical personnel, and obligations of medical personnel during acts of war. rights with the prison camp you have.'' Social Security update: While senators in Washington, trying to save Social Security from going bankrupt, are considering moving the retirement age up to 69, television network executives are trying to lower it to 29. Finally, we can get rid of anything clever on the air. TV ... always ahead of the curve. Congressman closes Democratic forums on Patriot Act: Democracy in action as House Judiciary Committee Chairman James Sensenbrenner, R.-Wis, broke into a forum Democrats were holding concerning the renewing of the controversial Patriot Act and gaveled the unfinished hearings to an abrupt close. When asked why he had done this, an anonymous source said the Patriot Act gave the congressman the power to do so. The source added that he would normally explain what it was in the Patriot Act that gave Sensenbrenner the power, but that the Patriot Act doesn't allow him to say. Wacky weed world: A week after the Supreme Court found another bad states' right as it declared that cannabis - even for medicinal or pain use - is illegal, even for terminally ill Terminally Ill When a person is not expected to live more than 12 months. Notes: Any gifts given out by the afflicted person at this time may be considered as a dispersion of the estate rather than a gift. cancer patients in California. In a totally unrelated story, manufacturers of Southern Comfort and Budweiser have announced plans for a new, legal, pain-blocking alcohol. ``It's not so much it reduces the pain,'' said one anonymous booze-industry executive, ``but it does make ugly people much more attractive and you won't feel any pain from deadly auto accidents or regret for abusing your family until after the blackout.'' CAPTION(S): photo Photo: Protests overshadowed the commencement address given Tuesday by Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger at Santa Monica College. Reed Saxon/Associated Press |
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