ALL THE NEWS THAT'S FIT TO SPOOF IT'S HARD TO TELL ONE NEWSLOVELY FROM ANOTHER.

Byline: STEVE YOUNG

Y'seen one reporter, y'seen 'em all: An Azteca America female television reporter -- who is presently not dating Mayor Antonio Villaraigosa -- was pushed aside by a Los Angeles Port policemen as she attempted to reach the mayor after his press conference. "Our officers were in a difficult situation," claims a Harbor Police spokesman. "Female reporter from Telemundo, female reporter from Azteca America. You just can't be too sure who is and who is not dating the mayor. Hypothetically, the wrong one gets through and bam, the mayor's got a mess on his hands and we're looking for a new job ... hypothetically."

Where have all the soldiers gone?: Keeping his commitment, President Bush has announced plans to invade the United States just as soon as he can round up enough soldiers. "With most of our troops out of the country, we can't attack us as fast as we'd like," said spokesman Tony Snow, "but the president is determined to send a strong signal to us that we will not stand by and let us aid the enemy. "Remember," added Snow, "if we don't fight us there, we will follow us here."

Someone's gonna be in big trouble: "I find out which of my students pulled this, it's detention for a week," said teacher Barbara Morgan, who this past week roared into space on the space shuttle Endeavour.

How do we get da bums on da juice? While Barry Bonds' breaking of Henry Aaron's home-run record found many fans in disagreement over the legitimacy of the record, others believe there is an upside. "The guy scored more runs than my entire team last week," said Dodger manager Grady Little. "I'm not saying our boys should start taking steroids. I just wish they would take 'em without me telling them to."

Bigger is better?: The Los Angeles City Council's plans to allow the construction of taller buildings in downtown L.A. to provide more affordable housing hit a bit of a snag because of the potential risk taller buildings would create in the case of an earthquake. "We knew that making the buildings taller might make for greater danger in case of earthquake," said Councilwoman Jan Perry. "So we came up with a compromise that we believe works. If we make each story's floor higher and each story's ceiling lower, we can fit in more floors, but without making the buildings any taller.

"Other than being limited to shorter tenants or those who don't mind crouching," added Perry, "I think we've come up with a winner."

McSuckers: A new study that had youngsters sample identical food, half in McDonald's wrappers, and half in unmarked wrappers, showed that far more children favored the food wrapped in the brand wrapper, even if the food were carrots. "I can't believe how much money we wasted trying to make food taste better," said one fast-food executive. "Wrapping junk food in a cool wrapper sure beats making this stuff healthier."

National Break-In Night: Last week's National Night Out was a win-win for many people. The evening was an opportunity for thousands of people to leave the confines of their homes and actually come face to face with their neighbors, while for others it was an opportunity to get to know neighborhood homes better. "We'd love to see them having these evenings at least once a week," said a spokesman for Burglars 'R' People Too. "Trying to break into homes while people are there has always been an inconvenience for both the thief and the homeowner. With National Night Out, we're in, they're out. Everyone's happy."

No punchline necessary: "One of the ways my sons are showing support for our nation is helping me get elected because they think I'd be a great president." -- Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney, defending his five military-age sons' not volunteering for military service.

Hal Fishman passes at 75: Thanks for making the news bearable.