ALL THE NEWS THAT'S FIT TO SPOOF GETTING TOUGH ON IMMIGRATION, BUSH OFFERS TO BUILD A WALL.Byline: STEVE YOUNG ORDER wars: Not only has President George W. Bush promised to strengthen our Mexican borders, but he's considering placing a wall around Washington. ``Yeah, sure, Mexicans are sneaking into California and Texas,'' acknowledged a White House spokesman. ``But we're far more concerned with debate on the Iraqi war sneaking into Washington.'' McARF'S -This past week, pet-food spokesman Dick Van Patten Dick Van Patten (born December 9, 1928 in New York City, New York) is an American actor. Dick Van Patten is the son of Josephine Rose Acerno and Richard Byron Van Patten. He is the older brother of actress Joyce Van Patten and the uncle of Talia Balsam. introduced Eatables, human-quality meals adjusted for doggie digestive tracts. ``Someone finally tasted the pet food that many of the poor and elderly are forced to eat and it wasn't bad,'' said the actor turned high-end pet-food huckster. ``Not only will dog food be a tastier staple for the poor and elderly, but now they'll have to pay more for it.'' Pilfering pil·fer v. pil·fered, pil·fer·ing, pil·fers v.tr. To steal (a small amount or item). See Synonyms at steal. v.intr. To steal or filch. history: The star of Gregory Peck was stolen from the Hollywood Walk of Fame The Hollywood Walk of Fame is a pavement along Hollywood Boulevard and Vine Street in Hollywood, Los Angeles, California, United States, which is embedded with more than 2,000 five-pointed stars featuring the names of not only human celebrities but fictional characters honored by , where it had honored the legendary actor for more than four decades. ``We're going to have to start posting guards around these stars,'' said honorary Hollywood Mayor Johnny Grant Johnny Grant is a radio personality, television producer and the honorary mayor of Hollywood, Los Angeles, California, which is an unpaid and unelected ceremonial position with no legal status, given that Hollywood is not a city, but rather a district within the City of Los Angeles. , ``except, of course, for David Spade's.'' Tsk-tsk: In his first week in court, Saddam Hussein Saddam Hussein (born April 28, 1937, Tikrit, Iraq—died Dec. 30, 2006, Baghdad) President of Iraq (1979–2003). He joined the Ba'th Party in 1957. Following participation in a failed attempt to assassinate Iraqi Pres. objected to his horrid treatment in prison and being forced to climb four floors. ``I never asked one of the Iraqi citizens, whose legs I had ordered cut off, to walk that far,'' complained the accused torturer and murderer of thousands. ``Where's the fairness here?'' In other legal indignity in·dig·ni·ty n. pl. in·dig·ni·ties 1. Humiliating, degrading, or abusive treatment. 2. A source of offense, as to a person's pride or sense of dignity; an affront. 3. news, Ramsey Clark William Ramsey Clark (born December 18, 1927) is a lawyer and former United States Attorney General. He worked for the U.S. Department of Justice, which included service as the 66th United States Attorney General under President Lyndon B. Johnson. announced he will join the Hussein defense team. ``I haven't humiliated hu·mil·i·ate tr.v. hu·mil·i·at·ed, hu·mil·i·at·ing, hu·mil·i·ates To lower the pride, dignity, or self-respect of. See Synonyms at degrade. myself lately,'' said the former U.S. attorney general, who last served as counsel to mass murderer mass murderer n. 1. A person, especially a political or military leader, who is responsible for the deaths of many individuals. 2. a. A person who kills several or numerous victims in a single incident. b. and war criminal Slobodan Milosevic. ``And that bin Laden fella has been refusing my calls.'' What's next, no more Jewish nuns? The Vatican released its directives against ordaining gays to the priesthood. ``We're not anti-gay,'' said a non-gay cardinal. ``It's just the playing of all those Judy Garland CDs at the Vatican was driving the pope crazy.'' No surprise here: Barbara Walters' ``Most Fascinating Person'' of 2005 turned out to be the one we all figured ... the Duchess of Cornwall The Duchess of Cornwall is the title held by the wife of the Duke of Cornwall. Duke of Cornwall is a non-hereditary peerage held by the British Sovereign's eldest son and heir. , Camilla Parker Bowles. Right. When asked why she chose someone who would have been hard to place in the top 1,000 on most everyone else's list, Walters admitted that, ``with all the publicity surrounding my ridiculous fluff interviews, I wanted to see if anyone noticed that I really don't care
"Don't Care" is a 1994 (see 1994 in music) single by American death metal band Obituary. anymore.'' Super old: The Rolling Stones have been announced as the entertainment for the 2006 Super Bowl. To prevent any potential embarrassment, the National Football League has asked for a 20-second TV delay in case one of the Stones passes away of old age during the performance. Say it ain't so, Mike: The mother of two of Michael Jackson's children has reportedly said that Jackson is not the biological father of their children, that the babies were conceived in a test tube. Jackson attorneys say that the tubes just stayed in the King of Pop's bed overnight. ``It wasn't about sex,'' said Jackson lawyer Will Billyamuch. The children's mom agrees. ``Nothing about making those babies had to do with sex.'' Sharp fly plan: A new plan by the Transportation Security Administration would allow airline passengers to bring sharp objects in their carry-on bags because the items no longer pose the greatest threat to airline security. The ban on Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie continues. ``Neither are sharp enough to fly,'' said Homeland Security Secretary Michael Chertoff. ``Yet their threat to the public remains real.'' Tree wars: The fight to kill or defend Christmas has grown serious as House Speaker Dennis Hastert presented legislation to rename the annual White House holiday tree a ``Christmas tree Christmas tree Evergreen tree, usually decorated with lights and ornaments, to celebrate the Christmas season. The use of evergreen trees, wreaths, and garlands as symbols of eternal life was common among the ancient Egyptians, Chinese, and Hebrews. .'' Hastert turned down an attempted compromise by arbitrators who came up with ``The Little After Thanksgiving Through Early January, When Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa and We're Sure a Couple More Holidays Fall Tree.'' Until an agreement is reached, the White House will use ``Tree-ee,'' which, presidential spokesman Scott McClellan explained, ``is both cute and makes it easier for the tree to come when it's called.'' Gay marriage hurting divorce rate: George Michael and Elton John announced plans to marry their longtime companions, while Jessica Simpson and Britney Spears are on the outs with their short-term hubbies. Straight as well as gay lawyers have joined legislators who are fighting to stop homosexual marriage bills from becoming federal law. ``These same-sex nuptials threaten the very traditions that make America great,'' said divorce attorney Johnnie McOvercharge. ``Like divorce court.'' |
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