ALL THE NEWS THAT'S FIT TO SPOOF FROM MAD MEL TO FAILING FIDEL.

Byline: STEVE YOUNG

Passion of the mea culpa: I don't know if you heard about it, but last week Mel Gibson was arrested for driving drunk and hurling anti-Semitic taunts toward Malibu police. The actor/producer/director asked forgiveness for his actions, but still refuses to apologize for 1994's ``Maverick.''

Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice said that she will wait until a more lasting peace can be agreed to before she would head for Southern California in an attempt to work out a deal between Mel Gibson and the Jewish homeland of Malibu.

Wasn't this obvious? Los Angeles County supervisors voted unanimously for a $257 million plan to reduce overcrowding in L.A. jails, but some supervisors don't think spending the money will get to the root of the overcrowding. ``It's not the large number of criminals that are the problem,'' said First District Supervisor Gloria Molina. ``It's the arrests. As soon as we get Sheriff Baca to understand that, we can spend the $257 million on something really important. Like trying to figure how the City Council can ask the public to limit their before-council statements to 30 seconds while urging they get four extra years to serve.''

Sweet & Low with the french fries, please: Over 75 percent of obese Americans say they have healthy eating habits, according to a telephone survey of more than 11,000 people. About 40 percent surveyed also said they do ``vigorous'' exercise at least three times a week. The study also found that almost the same percent of obese people felt that answering the phone qualified as ``vigorous'' exercise and chocolate is exceptionally nutritious.

Gibson No. 2: For Gibson's eyes only: Other than the battles over where to go to dinner, there seems to be a plethora of wars not started by Jews. Some examples include: War of the Roses, 1455-1485 (not to be confused with the film that actually involved a fictional family that might have been Jewish); the Crusades (as long as you don't conclude that their existence alone caused them to be slaughtered in Germany, Hungary, France and England); the Late Night Wars (neither Leno nor Letterman is Jewish); and the Neapolitan War, 1815 (battle between the nations of Vanilla, Chocolate and Strawberry, where those who wanted the Chocolate came up empty).

But how do I find one? The L.A. City Council approved a plan Tuesday to crack down on nearly 2,000 illegal cab operators in Los Angeles. No details yet, but the central idea for getting rid of all these taxies is to have people actually need one.

Gibson No. 3 -- Mein Schnaps: Perhaps we got it all wrong. Maybe Hitler just drank too much.

Press renovations: The White House will be opening its brand-new pressroom just as soon as it gets the Helen Thomas Memorial Trap Door to work.

High times: Tour de France winner Floyd Landis, who tested positive for performance-enhancing drugs, says his testosterone level is naturally high. Rolling Stoner Keith Richards admits that he has been trying to get off Landis for years.

A rose is a rose: Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad has ordered the use of modified Persian words to replace foreign words that have crept into the language, such as ``pizzas'' which will now be known as ``elastic loaves.'' In addition, ``nuclear weapons'' will be known a ``peace pillows,'' ``war'' as ``border therapy,'' and ``positively insane'' is now the phrase for ``Iranian president.''

Middle East solution: Just supply Hezbollah with a homeland where they can kill in peace.

Time machine oops: Admitting to a miscalculation, Dodger general manager Ned Colletti mistakenly traded for three-time Cy Young winner Greg Maddux. ``My bad,'' explained the red-faced Colletti. ``Clearly, we meant to acquire the much younger Maddux in the prime of his career. It wasn't until he showed up did I realize we had picked up the over-the-hill 9 and 11 pitcher from the Cubs.'' Colletti assured fans that the signings of Don Newcombe and the late Don Drysdale should make them forget the Maddux faux pas.

In the ``how to ruin a president's holiday'' news: Cindy Sheehan bought land in Crawford, Texas near the president's vacation ranch.

Tsk-tsk: Seems like Fidel Castro's recovery from abdominal surgery has had some severe repercussions. ``We had the exploding Havana cigars all ready,'' said one Beelzebub spokesperson. ``And no baseball, ever. You know, like Pittsburgh.''