ALL THE NEWS THAT'S FIT TO SPOOF DONATIONS STRAIN NATIONAL DEBT.

Byline: STEVE YOUNG

Too much? Federal officials have announced that record presidential primary campaign contributions to Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama have led to a national debt of dangerous proportions. "It wasn't until too late that I realized that I had collected more than my supporters actually make," said Sen. Clinton. "I'd give some of it back but, let's face it, if I did that, I wouldn't have enough left to cover our campaign's carbon footprints."

If we don't fight them there, they'll use the Thomas Guide to follow us here: The White House is concerned that if the president signs the Democratic war-funding bill with a specific troop-withdrawal date, the terrorists will follow us here. "While we're still there, there's no way they'd ever be able to get here," said one presidential adviser.

"We have some good information that before we got him, Saddam had acquired Mapquest Yellowcake from Niger," said Vice President Dick Cheney. "And it's pretty well confirmed that Iran has been supplying the insurgents with the General Motors GPS option, which could help them find here from anywhere, including there."

Here's the pitch -- not: President Bush didn't opt to throw out the ceremonial first pitch of the baseball season in Washington last week. "He just didn't feel he was in good enough shape to pitch yet," said Chief of Staff Josh Bolten. "We're not saying he'd do as bad as Derek Lowe, but then again, pitching to a catcher without a batter up might be a bit tougher than pitching to the Brewers."

Parental snuff: Rolling Stone Keith Richards has admitted that the story of his snorting his father's ashes along with cocaine was just a joke. "Father was always a buzz-killer," said Richards. "Besides it's better for the family's tranquility that I don't snort Father. I'd rather snort Mom's ashes, and the two of them never got along."

Sweet and tasty: A New York art gallery that had planned to exhibit a 6-foot-tall chocolate sculpture of Jesus has bowed to criticism from the Catholic League and other religious organizations and will replace the chocolate Jesus with a 6-foot-tall chocolate lawyer. "What the hell," said the sculptor. "They think they're God anyway."

Florida revisited: HBO has announced plans to make what it calls an unbiased film, titled "Recount," about the 2000 presidential election. While everybody knows that Hollywood is anything but unbiased, HBO Chairman Chris Albrecht said "Recount" will be, thanks to some subtle fictional elements. "In this one, Bush actually wins the election."

Closing the deal: Multi-zillionaire Sam Zell outbid a number of other zillionaires to end up with the right dollar figure to purchase the Tribune Co., which includes the L.A. Times, Chicago Cubs, KTLA-TV (Channel 5), Superstation WGN, the 405, Malibu, Gov. Schwarzenegger, the Indian Ocean, Uranus, pi and the Big Bang Theory. "We weren't sure we would increase our bid," said Zell. "Then they threw in the two-for-one Taco Bell coupon. That nailed it."

I guess he thinks this song is about him: Warren Beatty reveals in a recent magazine interview that he believes the Carly Simon hit song, "You're So Vain," was about him. With songwriter Simon never disclosing whom she wrote the song about, it's always been an open question. "The only thing I can tell you," said Simon, "whoever I meant, at his age, it isn't about him any more."

Beamin' Scottie way up: Star Trek's chief engineer Montgomery "Scotty" Scott, played by actor James Doohan, will have his ashes sent into space later this month. It's an expensive trip for most, but William Shatner got it for him for half price at Priceline.

CAPTION(S):

3 photos

Photo:

(1 -- color) Artist Cosimo Cavallaro works on his "Chocolate Jesus" at the Ranieri Sculpture Casting Company in Queens, N.Y.

Craig Warge/MCT

(2 -- color) Members of Zell's Angels motorcycle club are shown in this November 1994 photo taken in Chicago.

Carl Wagner/MCT

(3 -- color) Actor/director Warren Beatty is no stranger to addressing hot issues.

MCT