ALL THE NEWS THAT'S FIT TO SPOOF DEMOCRATS' NEW SECURITY PLAN: DUCK!

Byline: Steve Young

Democrats finally offer national security: With congressional elections this fall, Democrats have finally introduced their Defense Strategy, which they call, "Watch Out!" or "Duck!"

"When we realized that we didn't have any real answers," admitted Senate Minority Leader Harry Reid, "we decided on a policy of evasion instead of invasion.' We have no idea how to provide enough body armor, Humvee security from IEDs or get our guys out of Iraq without making it a whole lot worse. So we will be asking our brave men and women in harm's way to be, what we call, really, really careful.' Sorry, it's all we got."

Half-a-million hit the streets, other half still missing: Last week's massive student walkouts in protest of proposed federal immigration legislation were a huge success for the Los Angeles Unified School District. Officials were pleased to announce that, for once, they were able to cut classroom size down to an actual teachable size.

Works both ways: In other related immigration news, the only American on record to illegally sneak into Mexico was found during a raid on a large Mexico City microchip company where he had been working as an undocumented CEO.

Plenty of studies left behind: Federally mandated No Child Left Behind testing has given so much weight to math and English that little time is left for other studies like science, art and health. Experts worry that kids will be able to add one and two correctly, but may not know where number one and two should go.

Halliburton contracted to run amok: A new report revealed that Pentagon officials have harshly criticized Halliburton's oil reconstruction work in Iraq, citing "profound systemic problems," "exorbitant indirect costs," "misleading" and "distorted" cost reports, a "lack of cost control," an "overwhelmingly negative" evaluation, and an "obstructive" corporate attitude toward oversight.

On the other hand, the company's new government contracts and profits are increasing handsomely.

Two-and-a-half-wits: Actor Charlie Sheen, star of CBS' "Two and a Half Men," believes that the real facts behind the 9-11 attacks are being covered up by the U.S. government, and that the Twin Towers fell under a "controlled demolition." Sheen also said that Tom Cruise was behind 9-11.

Not the attacks: The date. "Cruise and his Scientology pals are just the type of numerology nuts who would put a date on the calendar that worked so perfectly for a tragedy of this magnitude," said Sheen, who then put on the latest in aluminum foilwear and rode off on his unicorn.

Village People cop arrested at YMCA: Victor Willis, who was shocked to discover he was not actually a real cop, but still a "Macho Man," will serve time for gun and drug possession after British police found him hiding "In The Navy." Willis said he would have kept running, but ran out of songs.

Still crazy after all these years: On the eve of his death-penalty trial last month, convicted terrorist Zacarias Moussaoui met with prosecutors and offered to testify against himself. He added that he'd also like to defend himself from his prosecution. On a roll, after saying he hadn't been in on the 9-11 terrorist attacks, Moussaoui not only admitted that he had been involved in the plan, but also confessed to taking down the Hindenburg, shooting Mr. Burns, and being the grassy knoll that the second shooter hid behind when he shot JFK.

Death by Cruise: With recent cruise-related mishaps, including deadly onboard fires, fatal bus rollovers and newly married grooms falling overboard, some lines have begun promoting noncatastrophe cruises at a small extra price. "We're just trying to turn frowns upside down," said industry spokeswoman May Kakillin. "We want our passengers to know that they don't necessarily have to die when vacationing with us."

Um, what was that law again? Los Angeles County supervisors voted 4-1 Tuesday to regulate marijuana dispensaries, effectively lifting a countywide ban on the facilities. In a related story, all night Denny's and 7-Elevens in the City of Angels announced quadruple stock splits.

This kind of help we don't need: Seems that just prior to the U.S. invasion of Iraq, Russia was feeding Saddam Hussein American war plans. Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld had always wondered why it took nearly three hours to defeat the Iraqi army. "We had really planned on no more than two hours to capture Baghdad," said Rumsfeld, "which was the last time we came to getting anything close to right over there."

"Did I say that out loud?" added the Defense Department jokester.