ALL THE NEWS THAT'S FIT TO SPOOF CHERTOFF HAS A HUNCH.

Byline: STEVE YOUNG

Hooked on a terrorist feeling: Homeland Security Chief Michael Chertoff said he has a "gut feeling" that there will be a higher risk of attempted terrorist attacks on the United States this summer. He added that based on the throbbing bunion on his big toe, another devastating hurricane should hit the South; and his rheumatism seems to be signaling an influx of anthrax mailings; but the bad taste in his mouth only has to do with extra garlic falafel he had late the night before.

Finally, some good news: A new study claims that alcohol does not kill brain cells, and wine may actually reduce the risk of heart attack. Other studies distributed this past week by Icantbelievetheybuythis.com includes research that proves overeating causes weight loss, adultery breeds marital bliss, and exercise shortens life.

Politics trumps science at White House: Richard Carmona, surgeon general from 2002 to 2006, told a congressional committee that political appointees in the Bush administration regularly scrubbed his speeches for politically sensitive content and blocked him from speaking out on public-health matters such as stem-cell research, emergency contraception and abstinence-only education. On the positive side, he was allowed to say that it was unwise to run with scissors.

Sex talking: A new study reveals that men are just as talkative as women. "Of course, this was based on an average of those studied," said one of the authors of the paper. "If you pull out Bill O'Reilly, women talk around 10 times as much as men."

Just missed: A new report from the White House says that the Iraqi government has made only minimal progress on the benchmarks set for gauging success in Iraq. And the National Intelligence Estimate says that al-Qaida is back to 2001 strength and "showing greater and greater ability to plan attacks in Europe and the United States." On the positive side, both reports were released ahead of schedule.

Don't ask, don't strike out: Permitting a gay group to attend last Sunday's Padres-Braves game at San Diego's Petco Park and letting the Gay Men's Chorus of San Diego sing the National Anthem encouraged homosexuality. So says an El Cajon-based ministry whose followers refused to work the food concession stands Sunday. "The Padres are playing the part of the Pied Piper leading unsuspecting children into the homosexual lifestyle as normal," said Richard Thompson, president of The Thomas Moore Law Center. Padres management said they took strong measures to keep the children from becoming homosexual at the game.

The business headline I'd like to see: "iPhone Marked Down To $35

-- Opening Week Was Ruse To Suckers Who Would Stand In Line For Any Over-Hyped, Over-priced Contraption."

Riddle me this: With a proposed 61-cent increase per pack in the cigarette tax, smokers may become the largest contributors to the health care of young people. So, wouldn't the Cancer Society, which lobbies widely to stop those same people from smoking, then end up becoming the chief obstacle to the health care of children?

Just askin' ...

Hypocrisy can change a tenor into a soprano: Embarrassment may not be the greatest problem for Sen. David Vitter, R-La., a conservative family- values advocate, who was revealed to be on the D.C. Madam's escort-service client list and once wrote that "Congress had to judge Bill Clinton not on legal, but moral terms." The senator's wife, Wendy, said in 2000 that she could not be as forgiving as Hillary Clinton if her husband were unfaithful. "I'm a lot more like Lorena Bobbitt than Hillary," she said. "If he does something like that, I'm walking away with one thing, and it's not alimony, trust me."

Word is that the senator has pledged to stay away from further temptation if his wife would stay away from sharp objects.

Library leak: The first to go in the turnover of the Richard Nixon Library to the National Archives will be the Watergate information room, where the materials and books place most of the blame for the cover-up of the 1970 Democratic National Headquarters breakin on Richard Nixon's presidential opponent, George McGovern. "It's a shame to wipe out history," said a former Nixon librarian. "Anyone who was around back then knows that if McGovern won, there wouldn't have been a need for President Nixon to cover up anything."

"Did I mention that he was not a crook?" she added.