ALL THE NEWS THAT'S FIT TO SPOOF CHATSWORTH ELDER SET TO WIN IRAQ WAR.

Byline: STEVE YOUNG

No, he said ``surge'': In what can only be deemed an unfortunate coincidence, a 74-year-old Chatsworth retiree, Serge DuPont, was notified that he would be sent into Iraq to back up the 140,000 troops already there. ``While this damn arthritis makes it hard to get out of my chair or understand how to work the TiVo,'' grumbled DuPont, ``as an American, I'll do what I can do. Oy.''

Admitting a possible misunderstanding, the White House sees the mishap as ultimately cost-efficient. ``While it wasn't our original intention,'' said White House spokesman Tony Snow, ``not having to send the 20,000 men we had planned on will save a bunch of money on inadequate armor.''

Sunblock SPF 2006: The past year turned out to be the hottest year on record, but conservative scientists -- both of them -- said it had nothing to do with global warming. ``Four thousand years ago when Earth was first created, it was hot,'' said a Kansas science guy. ``But you didn't hear Adam and Eve complain -- or vote for Al Gore.''

At least it was for a good reason: This past week, Congress gave itself the day off to watch the NCAA BCS Championship game. Coincidentally, so did Ohio State.

Easier than setting my VCR clock? ``New technology tends to be too complicated for a lot of older people,'' said Apple CEO Steve ``No Longer Have To Look For'' Jobs in introducing Apple's new iPhone. ``Instead of all those confusing buttons, the new iPhone will not only have a rotary dialing system, but whenever the user makes a mistake, a gratingly annoying voice will come on to say, `If you'd like to make a call, please hang up and try again.'''

Saddam cleared, rejoices in hell: Iraqi justice officials have thrown out additional murder charges against Saddam Hussein relating to the deaths of more than 180,000 Iraqis. Saddam's defense team is calling it vindication for the former living madman. ``OK, he killed 140 people,'' said defense attorney Ramsey ``Cuckoo'' Clark. ``But he wasn't guilty of killing 180,000. That's a plus 179,860 in his favor. I can't wait until I die so I can tell Saddam.''

Gas passes in New York: In what was first thought to be a possible terrorist attack, New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg said the disgusting gaseous odor that covered the city was just the result of city's pro football teams' performances in last Sunday's NFL playoff games. ``I mean, did you see those games?'' Bloomberg said. ``They stunk up the place worse than New Jersey.''

``I do not!'': In a recent poll, 95 percent of married men denied that they snore. Married woman did not participate in the poll because they were too tired from being kept up all night.

In an unrelated poll, nearly 99 percent of all men who fell asleep watching TV were only resting their eyes.

CBS to air videos from YouTube: ``It took years to figure out,'' said CBS president Les Moonves. ``But we spent a lot of money to produce garbage. YouTube knows how to do it for far less.''

McGwire unable to muscle in to Hall: Former Major League slugger Mark McGuire was shunned by Baseball's Hall of Fame voters, receiving less than 2 percent of the votes needed to be elected into Cooperstown. ``Mark isn't really upset by the vote,'' said his PR representative, Bill Shot. ``He feels that he's bigger than the Hall of Fame -- literally.''

Attending Dodgers games can cause obesity: The right-field seats at Dodger Stadium will soon include an all-you-can-eat option for an additional $30 per person. ``We figured fans would be too busy stuffing themselves on hot dogs and peanuts to realize that they could get fat at The Ivy for about the same price,'' said a Dodgers official. ``We're thinking of throwing in an `All You Can Park' ticket for an extra $20 per game.''

No joke, just worth repeating: Malibu art dealer Barry Farbenbloom said it is wrong to think everyone who lives in Malibu is a millionaire. ``They are not,'' he said. ``There are a lot of average Joes just making a living.'' (Place snare drum here.)

Now that's a life: Carlo Ponti, who discovered Gina Lollobrigida, passed on at the age of 94, 49 of those years waking up next to his wife, Sophia Loren. Italian morticians were unable to remove the smile from his face.