ALL THE NEWS THAT'S FIT TO SPOOF BUSH KNOWS THAT TIMING IS EVERYTHING.

Byline: STEVE YOUNG

Bolton moves into U.N.: Despite what many say flies in the face of his stated belief in intelligent design, President George W. Bush used a recess appointment to name John Bolton as the U.S. ambassador to the United Nations. But why wouldn't the president appoint Bolton over the objections of most of the country? Isn't that how he originally got his job?

The good news is that United Nations President Kofi Annan welcomed the new ambassador. The bad news: Bolton's new offices are on one of the 10 floors he said could be removed and no one would notice. Demolishing crews have been notified.

More recess appointments: Bush knows a good thing when he sees one. After designating Bolton to the U.N., he took the opportunity to name Osama bin Laden as caught, the Iraq war as won and Karl Rove as innocent.

Contamination Corner: West Hills residents concerned over the high level of perchlorate and possible radioactive toxicity in the new home development near Roscoe and Valley Circle Boulevard can rest easy. ``I've lived there myself and it looks like the whole thing has been overblown,'' said an unidentified gill-breathing three-headed spokesperson for the housing industry. ``We should have families moving in just as soon as we can thin out the water.''

Breaking (wind) news: More contamination? Scientists say that the atmosphere is being poisoned by the methane emissions from the cow population. Those on the other side disagree. ``We're pretty sure the dog did it,'' said one dairy industry spokesman. ``Besides, if scientists smelt it, there's an extremely good chance they dealt it.''

Al Gore's TV Network hits the air: Station immediately takes credit for Internet and finishes first week with viewership just behind the ever-popular WPDN, the Watching Paint Dry Network.

Cable news wars: In an attempt to catch up to cable news leader Fox News and its Natalee Holloway story, MSNBC has announced its search for America's newest missing pretty blonde. ``Our plan is to get ahead of the curve and not wait for the next missing blonde to not show up,'' said an unidentified MSNBC executive. ``That's old-school. We're going to ask America which girl they would like to see missing and then we'll put Scarborough and whomever else that works for us on the story, 24/7. Longer if that's what it takes.''

More abuse: With the revelations of widespread abuse in the American-run prison camps, a presidential spokesperson said it was just the work of a few renegade high-ranking cabinet officials and a couple of branches of the military. The source also said that it was almost certain that the death of one inmate, which the autopsy said was from ``asphyxia due to smothering and chest compression, contusions, abrasions and the six fractured ribs inflicted by a long straight-edge instrument like the end of an M-16 rifle,'' was most likely self-inflicted.

``Either that,'' said another unidentified spokesperson, ``or what we call 'natural causes.'''

Income not keeping pace with home prices: While housing costs have soared, the ability to buy hasn't. According to Realtors, there's still an upside. ``Now people who cannot afford home ownership can take pride in the fact that the houses they can't afford are much more expensive than the houses they couldn't afford last year,'' said one fabulously wealthy Realtor. ``In the real estate biz, we call that progress.''

Pentagon needs new editor: Recent use of similar quotes from Iraqis in two different military news releases was an ``egregious error,'' said a top Pentagon spokesman. The quote: ``The terrorists are attacking the infrastructure, the children and all of Iraq,'' said one Iraqi man who preferred not to be identified. ``They are enemies of humanity without religion or any sort of ethics. They have attacked my community today and I will now take the fight to the terrorists.''

The statement was first used in a Pentagon news release on July 13. The same exact quote appeared in a July 24 release, but was attributed to another Iraqi citizen. ``It was an obvious mistake on our part,'' said an anonymous Pentagon spokesperson. ``Next time we'll tweak it a little more so at least they will seems like two different quotes.''

Say it ain't so, Raf: Baltimore Oriole slugger Rafael Palmeiro, who swore to Congress that he had never used steroids, tested positive for the body-building drug. ``Lying has no place in baseball,'' said one anonymous congressman. ``But it does show potential for an outstanding political career.''

Crash heroes: The flight crew from the Air France jet that ran off the Toronto runway was credited with heroically evacuating over 300 passengers in two minutes. Not to be outdone, seven-time Tour de France champion Lance Armstrong promised to end his retirement, crash land and evacuate his plane in under one-minute-thirty. ``To some people it might look like a potential tragedy,'' said Armstrong. ``But to me, it's just another challenge. In fact, I'll probably overcome leprosy first, just to make it interesting.''

Reusable headline corner: Oil prices reach new high.

Last Laughs: To recently departed comedy writers Pat McCormick (``The Tonight Show'') and Danny Simon (Sid Caesar's ``Your Show of Shows''): Thanks for making life a little happier.

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(color) New U.S. Ambassador to the United Nations John Bolton, left, is all smiles as he meets with United Nations Secretary-General Kofi Annan at U.N. headquarters. The controversy that dogged Bolton's nomination seems far away as the new ambassador presents his credentials during the recent appearance.

Mario Tama/Getty Images