ALL THE NEWS THAT'S FIT TO SPOOF BUSH FINDS NEW PEN PAL IN IRAN.

Byline: STEVE YOUNG

Dear friend: Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad sent President George W. Bush an e-mail in which he not only suggested that that the West give up on liberal democracy, but that if Bush would send him his Social Security number, Ahmadinejad would deposit $20 million from the recently deceased Queen of Iran into the president's bank account.

No school board left behind: The LAUSD school board is considering heavier oversight of Los Angeles charter schools to make it tougher to open schools not directly under the board's control. Meanwhile, 44 percent of LAUSD schools which are under the school board's control have not reached their No Child Left Behind goals. ``Perhaps the LAUSD would have better results if we placed the school board under the charter school system,'' said one unnamed charter school principal, who said she had no idea why her parents did not name her, but thought it worked out well this time because she wanted her school to remain open.

Enron's defense rests: This past week, the attorneys for Enron heads Ken Lay and Jeffery Skilling rested. ``Of course, we had to rest,'' said Attorney Scoop Bull. ``You try and feed all that manure to the jury. It's exhausting.''

Warning - Kennedy approaching: Rep. Patrick Kennedy, D-R.I., announced that he would be going into a rehab center following an early morning traffic accident. A Kennedy family representative said that this was a wake-up call for the entire Kennedy clan. ``In an attempt to keep America safe,'' said Cam Alot, ``from now on, every Kennedy baby will go into rehab prior to attending kindergarten.''

``American Idol'' shocker: In an upset vote that no one expected, audiences bumped Simon Cowell off the show. ``We couldn't take it any more,'' said a Mr. and Mrs. McPhee of Sherman Oaks, who cast the deciding votes. ``He was just too shrieky for our tastes.''

Do-over: Convicted 9-11 co-conspirator Zacarias Moussaoui has requested to withdraw his guilty plea. ``I had thought this was only a practice trial,'' said Moussaoui. ``Kind of like when I practiced flying a plane into a building. That shouldn't count. Right? Right? Hello? Bueller? Bueller?''

Spears' spare: ``We just figured that the way we've been treating our first baby,'' said Britney Spears, announcing her latest pregnancy, ``we had better have another one in reserve just in case.''

Blaine breath stinks: Magician David Blaine was pulled from an aquarium by divers Monday nearly two minutes short of his goal of setting a world record for holding his breath underwater. ``It wasn't a failure to hold his breath,'' said a representative for the water in the tank, ``as much as the water couldn't stand a second longer in there with Blaine's ego. There's just so much room.''

``Mission Impossible'' accomplished: In the latest Tom Cruise fan drop-off news, Cruise's favorable rating now sits at 35 percent, which is still higher than Vice President Dick Cheney's. Then again, Cruise has never shot anyone ... yet.

Voters might want to do the math first: Antelope Valley legislators are trying to get into the state budget an $11 million loan to help Mojave Airport build a hangar complex and terminal for space tourism. Virgin Galactic is working with Mojave to build a fleet of suborbital spacecraft to carry passengers paying $200,000 each. Why? All they need is 55 passengers and the hangar and terminal would be paid for.

Congratulations: To the Lakers for ... ah, forget it.