ALL THE NEWS THAT'S FIT TO SPOOF BONDS RESIGNED TO LOWER PERFORMANCE.

Byline: Steve Young

Bonds shocker: San Francisco slugger Barry Bonds said he was appalled as anyone to find out that the anabolic steroids and human growth hormones he injected for years were performance-enhancing. "You can imagine my surprise when I read that the thousands of shots I gave myself had anything to do with my history-obliterating home-run records or organ atrophy," said the Human Bicep, who seems to have learned his lesson. "From now on, no more designer steroids. If I can't get inhuman strength from off-the-rack steroids, then I'm gonna stick with hitting triples." Enron defense a piece of cake: In an attempt to have the charges against the defendants overturned, attorneys for Andrew Fastow, Jeffery Skilling and Ken Lay employed the rarely used greed card. "They were just really, really selfish," said attorney Justin Case. "It's like taking an extra slice of birthday cake. And if we were going to put people in jail just for eating cake, well, I just don't know if I want to live in a country that puts millions of starving children into prisons just because they're hungry." Case added, "Sorry. It's all I got."

Prediction crashes: Although he had predicted that "Brokeback Mountain" would sashay away with this year's Best Picture Oscar, Bill O'Reilly believes the selection of "Crash" is still evidence of Hollywood's intention to continue its culture war. "The looney left moonbats are just pushing their liberal agenda of humanizing racial understanding and automobile accidents," said O'Reilly. "Their objective is obvious ... drive gays out of the closet and into car crashes.

Another inquiry: The Defense Department announced that it plans to reopen the investigation into the Pat Tillman "friendly-fire" death in Afghanistan. Representatives of the military say this is nothing out of the ordinary. "You want to make sure you get things right. Four or five investigations into the same matter is routine," said Army spokesman Sergeant Shriver. "Hell, we're still looking into Ulysses Grant's first DUI."

Coughing it up: With cigarette sales in the U.S. at a 54-year low, and cancer victims living longer, tobacco companies aren't just sitting on their tar-stained hands. "While we still don't believe cigarettes cause cancer," said tobacco industry spokesperson, Ly Truisteeth, "we're just going to have to make our cigarettes more cancerous."

Goodwill bombs: Iranian officials say the United Nations is making a big deal out of nothing and that their nuclear program is meant for only peaceful purposes. "Look at the map," said Iranian leader Sy Copath. "Nuking Israel into oblivion and turning it into a vacant lot will make it a lot easier to bring Jordan and Egypt closer together."

Yummy nuke deal: As part of the new India-U.S. nuclear pact, President George W. Bush agreed to resume imports of mangoes, the juicy, large-pitted fruit we've banned for 17 years. Of course, 17-year-old mangoes tend to be a little pungent.

South Dakota tourism expected to soar: With the expected surge in tourism from rapists and parents wanting to have children with their children, South Dakota Gov. Mike Rounds announced an attempt to close the last loophole in his state's recently passed abortion ban. "I've asked our Legislature to add an amendment to our already strict law making possession of rusty wire hangers and back rooms a criminal offense." State Sen. Stone Ages added, "And just to cover ourselves, we're also going to make the killing of storks a felony."

Where will we send the bad guys? Defense Department officials announced that they are closing the notorious Abu Ghraib prison in three months. From now on, prisoners will just be sworn in as congressmen.

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Photo: (color) Barry Bonds pretends to be ``American Idol'' judge Paula Abdul for the rookies' skits during San Francisco Giants spring training recently in Scottsdale, Ariz. Tom Hauck/Getty Images