ALL THE NEWS THAT'S FIT TO SPOOF BABE'S KIN NOT IMPRESSED.

Byline: STEVE YOUNG

Homer No. 715 not such a big whoop: As Barry Bonds passed Babe Ruth on the career home-run list, a Ruth family member found the Bonds' feat less than awe-inspiring. ``What's so great about passing a guy who hadn't had an at-bat for almost 70 years and if alive today would be over 110 years old?'' asked great niece, Ruth Ruth. ``What's Bonds going to do next? Beat Jesse Owens in a foot race?''

Driver, move that school bus!: In an effort to revitalize its battered image to combat Mayor Antonio Villaraigosa's efforts to take over Los Angeles Unified School District, the L.A. school board has hired ``Extreme Makeover Home Edition's'' Ty Pennington to battle the mayor's obvious public-relations advantage. ``Before anything else, they have got to get rid of all that facial hair,'' said Pennington. ``Vandykes are so '50s. Next, we knock down the mayor's City Hall office and replace it with a nice split-level.''

Mayor deals from the bottom: You know it's war when Villaraigosa issues an LAUSD deck of cards complete with pictures of Roy Romer and school board members on the back of each card. ``It's not exactly a whole deck,'' said an anonymous representative from the Mayor's Office. ``We just look at it as a bad hand.''

Small favors: Angelina Jolie and Gwen Stefani both gave birth last week, and in a joint statement, both babies lauded their parents' efforts, thanking God that they didn't open their eyes to find Britney Spears was their mom.

Thank you, General Math: The Pentagon announced the long-awaited decrease in our Iraq troop levels, with total military deployment going from 135,000 to 136,500. ``That's a reduction of a minus 1,500,'' said one anonymous Defense Department official. ``Keeping promises isn't all that easy. Math is.''

Katie Couric says goodbye to ``Today show'': In a desperate attempt to keep from losing the all-important adorable quotient necessary to keeping the morning show's now cute-barren ratings from falling off the chart, Matt Lauer has agreed to have his scalp bobbed.

I don't get the big deel: Who can question the excitemint or drama of children spelling wurds? Not ABC, which broadcast The Nationel Spelling Bea final rownd this past Thursday. What I don't get is why spelin is so importent.

Hurricanes ready to do a heckuva job: The U.S. Weather Bureau is expecting a severe weather season. Federal Emergency Management Agency officials say the lengthy advance notice will make for a much more difficult job to ignore the warnings.

A little late: Katharine McPhee will be having her hair grayed and move to a small southern town.

Cover blown: The Supreme Court decided that federal whistle-blowers will no longer be afforded the legal defense they once were. Meanwhile, those choosing the fluegelhorn will still receive 24-hour police protection.

Two out of three: In an attempt to bring back customers, Ford Motor Co. said nearly all its 2006 vehicles will be eligible for zero-percent financing and $1,000 worth of gas (or two tankfuls, whichever comes first). Problem is ... the car you get is still a Ford.

Police step over the line: A man who had just been released from Mission Community Hospital in San Fernando stole a Los Angeles Fire Department ambulance, leading police on a merry chase on the Golden State Freeway. The American Civil Liberties Union has announced it will sue the LAPD for impersonating an attorney.

Serious reminder to get involved: Remember to vote this Tuesday. Otherwise, the choices will be made for you, which makes you ineligible to complain about the results. And how much fun would that be?