ALL THE NEWS THAT'S FIT TO SPOOF ANTONIO'S TOO CUTE TO BE A TV SITCOM STAR.

Byline: STEVE YOUNG

Mayor Celebrity: After his star turn last week on ``The George Lopez Show,'' network producers have already put a new Antonio Villaraigosa series, ``Photo-Op,'' into development. ``We were going to go with 'Look at Me' or 'Am I Cute or What?' but they all seemed too on the money,'' said a yet-unnamed producer.

Angels strike out. White Sox don't: Major League Baseball Commissioner Bud Selig said that assuming the catcher caught the ball in the controversial ninth-inning call of Game 2 in the ALCS was the problem. ``And you know what assuming does,'' said the unbelievably inept commissioner. ``It makes an a** out of U and ME. Get it?''

Angel manager Mike Scioscia protested. ``It's not the call that bothers me so much,'' said the manager, who spent about 15 years behind the plate and should know a lot better than the commissioner whether the call was correct. ``It's that there's no 'me' in `assuming.' I can't get past that.''

Newsflash: ``Television is just like being a mayor,'' said an unidentified Los Angeles mayor, ``except a lot less cameras.''

Apple unveils video iPod: Apple boss Steve Jobs announced the newest strain of iPod, the pocket-size media player. ``The problem before was that the technology was way too slow,'' said Jobs. ``Before you could download a show, it was canceled. Now, with our new iPod, you can watch a show before a network vice president realizes he knows absolutely nothing about what makes a good show and tries to save his butt from being fired by canceling the show.''

Gates counters: As a response to Apple's new device, Microsoft is working on an iPod that baby boomers will understand how to use. The new transistor radio works on four 75-pound D batteries and will get both AM and FM stations. ``The only problem we're having,'' said richest man in the universe Bill Gates, ``is trying to get the 12:00 to stop flashing.''

Making a turkey out of all of us: With the news out of Atlanta's Centers For Disease Control and Prevention that mad cow disease and avian flu are just conspiracies to make us all vegetarians, word is that turkeys are working on a new strain of what's being called gizzard virus, which should end Thanksgiving once and for all. ``We'll be working on crow disorder next,' said research scientist Gwen Miller. ``With all the crow being eaten nowadays, it could knock out Washington, D.C., in less than 24 hours.''

Kiss of death?: With the news the Sen. Ted Kennedy would back Sen. John Kerry if he ran for president in 2008, Kerry immediately withdrew from the race. ``What's the use?'' asked the junior senator from Massachusetts. ``We pushed hard for Ted to support Hillary, but obviously he wanted me out the race.''

Just kidding: The information that terrorists would attack New York subways proved to be a hoax from an Iraqi jokester. ``I thought they would get it when I said we would attack on a Sunday, the day no one uses the subway,'' said the 12-year-old humorist. ``Then again, when I sent out reports about the WMDs-in-Iraq thingy, they bought that, too.''

DeLaying the inevitable: In the latest legal maneuver by Rep. Tom DeLay, his lawyers have subpoenaed prosecutor Ronnie Earle. ``And after that, we'll be subpoenaing the grand jury,'' said DeLay. ``Then, if necessary, we'll subpoena every single person in Texas. By the time they get through all the paperwork, I'll have redistricted the rest of the state. Then we'll just pass a law against the grand juries being able to indict anyone who's done anything - or nothing, in case that's what I've done.''

Cops gone wild: The man who was seen on video being punched by New Orleans policemen revealed that he hasn't had a drink in more than 20 years. The officers ``thought it was about time he had one, and he was resisting their goodwill effort to get him to tip a few,'' a spokesman for the suspended lawmen explained.

``For God's sake, this is New Orleans,'' explained union leader Bill Copper. ``How are you supposed to enjoy yourself if you don't get loaded? Visit a museum?''

The spokesman then broke down in laughter and couldn't go on.

Finally: The White House announced that there were no Republican indictments this past week.

Special election primer: Ballot Propositions 78 and 79 both want to save you money on drugs. You'll want to vote yes on only one proposition so you don't negate your vote (though voting no on both will also negate your vote - but that is explained in another primer). So how do you tell which is the one to vote yes on? See if you can figure it out.

Proposition 78: Discounts on prescription drugs - voluntary participation. Drug companies have contributed more than $50 million to support the plan.

Proposition 79: Discounts on prescription drugs - mandatory participation. Drug companies haven't contributed anything.

Hope this helped.

CAPTION(S):

photo

Photo:

(color) George Lopez, left, star of the ABC-TV show eponymous, performs a scene with L.A. Mayor Antonio Lopez.

Mark J. Terrill/Associated Press