ALL THE NEWS THAT'S FIT TO SPOOF SUPREME COURT TO PICK MEXICAN JEFE?

Byline: STEVE YOUNG

Mariposa encuestas? In the super-close Mexican presidential election, absentee ballots from Florida had Pat Buchanan running a close third. Mexican officials said if they couldn't come up with a winner, they would have turned the decision over to those experienced with selecting presidents ... the U.S. Supreme Court.

Don't get too close: North Korea's test missiles launched on July 4, which fell into the Sea of Japan and didn't last as long as most of the twirlers set off during Warner Park's Fourth of July celebration, reveal just how far the North Koreans are from being able to reach U.S. airspace. Still, it did not deter wacky North Korean President Kim Jong Il from continuing his menacing harangues. ``We remain a threat to any country within 30 feet of North Korea,'' bellowed Jong Il.

North Korean asteroid? No truth to the rumor that the asteroid that came within 269,000 miles of Earth was launched by North Korea.

For those who want ``Mallard Fillmore'' on the editorial page:

1st Panel

MF: ``Look at the flag that liberals want to burn.''

2nd Panel

MF: ``Their burning of the flag only aids the enemy.'

3rd Panel

MF: ``Oops. Forgot to write a punch line again.''

A nickel for your thoughts: With the cost of producing a penny surpassing the worth of the penny itself, there is an effort under way to do away with the one-cent coin. Shoppers say the whole idea isn't worth one red nickel. The penny purge will cause sales tax to be rounded up to the nickel, which means no matter how much things change, we'll still be nickeled and dimed to death.

Can you say entrapment? The FBI announced that the seven alleged terrorists arrested in Florida -- who had no money, weapons, nor contact with al-Qaida -- took an oath to al-Qaida that was given to them ... by the FBI informant. Their decoder rings were supplied by Kellogg's.

Coincidence? The price of gas went up dramatically just in time for the July 4 holiday. For those of you who think that oil companies aren't manipulating fuel prices ... Hel-lo.

Depends on your point of view: During his regular physical last week, Republicans were happy, and not surprised at all, to find Vice President Dick Cheney's heart in good shape. Democrats were just surprised that doctors found a heart at all.

Just like joining a gym: To fight obesity, researchers at Indiana State University are testing the effects of having kids play with heavier toys. While a few children burned more calories, most kids decided to give up playing and headed over to McDonald's.

Now, if we can only get them to arrest themselves: Police have begun to track gang members through their personal Web sites that, in many cases, post incriminating pictures and home addresses. Criminal investigators are amazed that gangbangers would offer such obvious clues elaborating on their criminal behavior. ``We're not that stupid,'' said Bob Reller, a gang-blogger who said he spells his named backward to throw off police.

They can still toss their paychecks into the ocean: Atlantic City, N.J., casinos shut down due to a state government budget crisis. Gamblers who were asked to leave the casinos at 8 a.m. Tuesday said they would have to find other ways to throw away their money.

Who cares about gravity? It's Sophia! Sex symbol Sophia Loren, 71, will appear nude for next year's Pirelli calendar dressed up only in diamond earrings. The earrings Loren wore in a nude photo shoot 50 years ago were only long enough to cover her bust. They've been adjusted to reach her knees -- the earrings, I mean.

Fact or fiction? With his latest video eulogizing the late Abu Musab al- Zarqawi, who has put out more offensive videos -- Osama bin Laden or all of Chatsworth's warehouses?

Trick question. Chatsworth pornography isn't nearly as offensive.

Don't be cruel: After failure to pass the all-important constitutional amendments on gay marriage and flag burning, Congress will take up the truly compelling problem -- Japanese prime ministers singing Elvis songs on American soil.

Rest in peace, many others will never be able to: Former Enron CEO Ken Lay passed away last week. In lieu of flowers, please send donations to the tens of thousands who lost their jobs and pensions.