ALL THE NEWS THAT'S FIT TO SPOOF SUPERSMART STUDENTS TO THE RESCUE.

Byline: Steve Young

Smart: In a dramatic move to keep Mayor Antonio Villaraigosa from taking over the Los Angeles Unified School District, the school board named the national-champion Taft High School Academic Decathlon team to replace Superintendent Roy Romer. "If the mayor can do a better job than those kids," said school board president Marlene Canter, "let him run the 26 miles."

You're in 'merica now: As a start to mend fences (so they can use them on the border), officials have suggested that not only should we be singing "The Star Spangled Banner" exclusively in English, but also, "The Bomb," "The Cockroach" and "Living The Crazy Life." And just for good measure, from now on, high-school Spanish will be taught in English.

Now, can we finally go back to getting along?

Real estate realities: While home prices continue to soar, so do foreclosures, which means that while most people can't afford to buy their own home, those who can, still can't.

How could they tell? Keith Richards fell from a palm tree in Fiji and suffered a mild concussion, which doctors called "a significant improvement" over his normal mental state.

Are you ready for some football? Even after a chilly response by National Football League officials, Mayor Villaraigosa remained confident about landing a professional football team in L.A. "I pledge that Los Angeles will get a NFL franchise," said the mayor, "even if we have to put it in San Diego."

Boycott disappoints countless Californians: Expecting Monday to be a good way to see what it might be like if immigrants didn't show up at their jobs, Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger still went to work.

Got gas? With the price of a gallon of gas surpassing the cost of a gallon of milk, energy companies now say gas is good for you. It's just good old American math. As the supply of gas goes down, demand for higher gas company CEO benefit packages goes up. And that's good for everyone.

What's the matter? Don't you people understand math?

Boys will be boys: Duke University will be allowed to field a lacrosse team next year, but with stringent new restrictions: No strippers. No rapes. No beating up gays. Gee whilikers, why even be a college athlete?

Acknowledging mistake: Steve Bridges, the Bush look-alike who did a comedy duet with the president at the annual correspondent gala this past week, got into the wrong car after the dinner and ended up going home with Laura. "We may have never discovered he wasn't the real president," conceded an anonymous Secret Service agent, "if Mr. Bridges didn't admit the mistake was his."

Now we can afford to drive ... a couple miles: Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist has proposed a $100 rebate or a gallon of gas, whichever comes first to soften the burden of the increase in the price of gas. The bill stalled when no one could afford to drive it over to the White House to be signed.

Who woulda known? In the most surprising outing since Truman Capote, an alleged scandal surrounding former "American Idol" runner-up Clay Aiken lost him a gig at the Christian-based Pure Fashion Show in Atlanta. Officials said that since Aiken didn't make a public rebuttal to charges that he had been involved in a gay affair, they would have to cancel his appearance. Makes perfect sense. The last thing you want at any fashion show is someone who may be gay. Ask any fashion designer.

South of the border: In an attempt to keep the populace from leaving, Mexican President Vicente Fox considered legalizing the use of nearly every narcotic sold by the same Mexican cartels he's vowed to fight. While there might be some time before we know whether the decriminalization would work, the Mexican Tourism Bureau said that the revenue for the new bookings for Hollywood after-parties has already wiped out the Mexican federal deficit.

Tsk-tsk: Instead of death in the after-life with 72 virgins, Zacarias Moussaoui ends up getting life in prison with 72 guys named Bubba.

Pharmaceutical hang-up: The Bush administration's point man defended Medicare from a report by the Government Accountability Office that says approximately one-third of the calls from senior citizens resulted in erroneous advice given out. "What the GAO failed to mention," said spokesman Mark Upprice, "was that 100 percent of the calls we disconnected received no inaccurate information at all."