ALL THE NEWS THAT'S FIT TO SPOOF SHAQ TO RETURN TO L.A. -- FOR A DAY.

Byline: STEVE YOUNG

Um ... can we see any Miami Heat games?: The Los Angeles Lakers, the team that was shunted out of the NBA playoffs in the first round, have raised their ticket prices to almost higher than a gallon of gas. As part of your season ticket price, the Lakers are offering an opportunity to see World Champion center Shaq O'Neal ... once.

Slogans `R' Us: The nonbinding Congressional Resolution on the Iraq war would not support what the Republicans called the ``Cut and Run'' strategy of Democrats. Other catchphrases also not supported were: ``Cut and Cut Halliburton Profits,''``Cut and Cut Sending Other Family's Kids To Fight,'' as well as the ever-popular ``Cut and Die Because They Have Come Home in Boxes That We Are Not Allowed To See Because If We Did We Would Actually Understand The Real Cost of War.''

When he's 64: Paul McCartney reached the heady age of 64 finding that no one needs nor feeds him, yet recognizing that when you bank a gazillion dollars, you can pretty much buy all the need and feed you'll ever need.

Finally, some agreement: Mayor Antonio Villaraigosa had a bit of a problem with getting the state Legislature to approve his takeover of the Los Angeles Unified School District. ``We are not leaving Sacramento until we got a resolution to this issue,'' Villaraigosa said. Curiously, the school board was behind the mayor's decision. ``Not the taking over,'' said school board member Jon Lauritzen. ``The part where he stayed in Sacramento.''

Superintendent Roy Romer added that the mayor's oversight plan is ``full of holes.''``Our plans only have stains, blemishes and so many patches you can hardly notice the holes.''

Ex-Lax to sue?: The rich, yummy calorie-filled, chocolate bar-generating Nestle corporation has purchased the diet-program Jenny Craig company.

Other mergers that might have escaped your eye include Phillip Morris' purchase of the American Association for Cancer Research and the media mega-merger of Al-Jazeera and Fox News.

Dan Rather exits CBS: The ex-anchor blames President Bush's unsubstantiated AWOL from National Guard service for his inability to find anything for him to do at the network. ``If George Bush would have supplied me with authenticated documents,'' said Rather, ``I'm sure they would have found something for me to do.''

They're on the honor system till then: Speaker of the House Dennis Hastert, R-Ill., announced that voting on the ``Securing The Border'' immigration bill is being delayed until the fall. ``It's not a political decision,'' said Hastert. ``If it was, we would work on it right before the November midterm election. Wait a minute -- that is right before the election,'' added Hastert. ``Never mind.''

So that's what was wrong with those guys on Brokeback Mountain?: The Pentagon has officially classified homosexuality as a mental disorder, despite the fact that just about every health organization in the world hasn't believed that in over 30 years. Still waiting to hear if the armed forces medical insurance will cover the anti-gay medication needed to cure these poor guys from marching in any parades.

What would they do with all that extra money anyway?: The U.S. Senate voted down a prospective increase in the minimum wage, which has been stuck at $5.15 per hour for the past nine years. ``If people are unhappy with working for a minimum wage of $5.15,'' said Sen. Rich Erthangod, ``let them vote themselves a raise like we have to.''

Getting the munchies ... legally: The West Hollywood City Council is looking to have police officers look the other way when dealing with use of small amounts of marijuana. Sheriff Lee Baca has objected to the resolution because of the undue distress it would cause his officers.

``This bill would essentially keep officers from entering 24-hour 7- Elevens,'' said Baca. ``Do we really need to make recruitment any more difficult?''

Competition still rages: ``American Idol'' runner-up, Sherman Oaks' own Katharine McPhee, waged a five-year battle with bulimia that she managed to get under control just before the competition began last winter. In other news, Taylor Hooks says he struggled for six years with gray roots.

Don't get nervous, but ...: Research by the Scripps Institute of Oceanography and a USC study found that pent-up stress along the southern end of the San Andreas Fault means it could rupture with a 7.0 earthquake at any moment. Which implies it could happen as you're reading this column ... or right after ... or while you're at your kid's soccer game ... actually at any time. Wait. Did you feel that? Oh, just a truck passing by. Or was it? Enjoy your Sunday.

Note to graduates (including any graduates named Casey): Make sure you don't take life too seriously. Others will do that for you.

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Photo:

(color) Shaquille O'Neal and Alonzo Mourning of the Miami Heat celebrate winning the NBA Championship with the Larry O'Brien Trophy.

Victor Baldizon/Getty Images