ALL THE NEWS THAT'S FIT TO SPOOF SATAN NOT IMPRESSED BY 6-6-06.

Byline: STEVE YOUNG

A day in the life of 6-6-06: Satan came. Saw the new ``Omen'' film. Asked for money back. Promoted her new book by ripping into 9-11 widows. Went home.

Gay marriage ban slippery slope No. 1: If we don't put a stop to this marrying madness, one day even convicted murderers in jail will be allowed to get married.

Wait a minute. They are.

Well, hopefully none of them are gay.

Slippery slope No. 2: ``We still allow gays to adopt children: babies with deadly diseases, older kids and children with physical abnormalities,'' said Oklahomaphobe Sen. Jim Inhofe. ``If we don't stop gays from adopting soon, how long before everyone will want to adopt children no one else wants to adopt?''

Slippery slope ponder: If tall people are allowed to get married, how long before everyone will be allowed to be tall?

Continuing the slide: With the advent of the new lesbian Batwoman comic book, the long-awaited marriage of Batwoman and Batman now seems to be off.

Shame that it could only happen once news: Al-Zarqawi smashed to smithereens. An audio tape released from al-Zarqawi immediately after said that his death will not keep him from releasing more audio tapes.

So that's why no one voted: The National Institute of Mental Health revealed that those who feel like throwing the phone at Jerry Brown, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Sally Fields, Barbara Boxer and everyone else who phones to tell you to vote is actually a symptom of Intermittent Disturbing Dinner Disorder, or IDDD. The condition usually manifests itself one week before any election, with those afflicted finding themselves with an uncontrollable urge to pull phones out of the wall and refuse to vote under any condition.

And in such small portions: A Food and Drug Administration-funded study released last week found that people who eat too much food in restaurants gain weight. In another government-funded study, nearly 100 percent of government-funded reports were found to be funded by the government.

Don't have to change a single word to make it funny news: The Florida Marlins baseball club had its Jewish Heritage Day and gave away Marlin player Mike Jacobs T-shirts. Unfortunately, they neglected to consult with Jacobs, who, as it turns out, is not Jewish.

Why don't they just look in his grave? FBI investigators didn't find former Teamster president Jimmy Hoffa on their last farm dig, but they did find the remains of an FBI investigator who had been looking for Hoffa the week before. ``We also found remnants of another farm that had been buried under the farm where we were digging,'' said an anonymous FBI agent. ``We feel like we're getting closer.''

Arnold vs. Phil: Let the sludge begin. Campaign officials from the brawny governor's office say their candidate will squash his opponent like a bug. A spokesmen for the thin, but wiry Democratic nominee promised that if Schwarzenegger tries it, Angelides will make an icky smear that the governor will never be able to get off his shoes.

I thought that was you: This week the ``corpse flower'' of Sumatra made its annual blooming, accompanied by its horrific odor. Those in attendance blamed it on the dog.

Statue of Liberty can take care of herself: The bad news is that the Homeland Security Department has cut funding for New York and Washington, D.C., saying it found no national monuments in those cities worth protecting. The good news is that funding was increased to Omaha, Neb., where tourists no longer need worry about terrorist threats when visiting the birth house of Fred Astaire.

Who could have ever seen this coming? Pregnant Britney Spears has begun preliminary divorce proceedings against husband Kevin Federline. In a related legal story, in fear of being dropped, Spears' fetus has asked for a restraining order to keep Britney no closer than 100 yards away.