ALL THE NEWS THAT'S FIT TO SPOOF SANTA MARIA GEARING UP FOR FLOOD OF SADDAM FANS.

Byline: STEVE YOUNG

SOME satirical, quick takes on the last week's headlines ...

Michael Jackson trial sets positive precedent for future tourist trade: To get a fair trial, defense attorneys for Saddam Hussein have petitioned to have his trial moved to Santa Maria. With the expected Saddam fan flood, city officials are salivating. ``We'll be able to fill every hotel room within miles with National Guard and insurgents alone,'' said one anonymous City Council member. ``We feel we missed the boat with O.J. We get Saddam, and Court TV will move its executive offices up here!''

Impeachment? D'oh: Some Democrats, led by Rep. John Conyers, D-Mich., have begun to push for inquiries into the possible impeachment of President Bush for crimes of blah-blah-blah. When told that removing the president would leave Vice President Dick Cheney in charge, a shaken Conyers was reported to say, ``Impeachment? No. I said, I could go for some peach mint. The president? He's doing a fine job.''

John Bolton nomination in trouble: The latest negative revelation surrounding President Bush's United Nations ambassador nominee is that he attempted to get fired a nuclear commission who questioned the U.S. ``intelligence'' on Iraq's WMD. With now even Republican senators questioning the nomination, a spokesman for Bush revealed that the president had misspoken and he meant to nominate Michael Bolton, not John.

``While Michael Bolton's policy-making prowess is not as strong,'' said an anonymous presidential press secretary with the initials S.M., ``his music has annoyed a tad fewer people than John's desire to get rid of 10 floors in the U.N.''

Thou dost protest too much (and way too publicly): Lynne Meredith, head of the Southern California-based ``We The People,'' the folks behind a ``you don't really have to pay federal taxes if you don't want to'' crusade and consumer bilking, just got hit with a 10-year prison sentence.

Meredith's defense was that although her organization was paid millions for seminars and books on how to avoid paying taxes, she never actually told people not to pay taxes. She only suggested how they might want to if they so chose. And she also sold the forms with fake tax ID numbers if they chose to buy them from her.

Many of those who did so choose have also paid dearly in dollars and jail time for taking her suggestion. Perhaps a better punishment for the people who followed Meredith's advice would be if they were made to wear signs that read: ``There's a really, really good reason that the slogan 'too good to be true' was created.''

Howard Dean attacks Republicans - again: Democratic Party chairman Howard Dean has stepped in it again, and fellow Democrats are running for cover. Dean's latest bit of tact came when he said of the GOP, ``It's pretty much a white, Christian party.''

Republicans don't seem all that upset. ``Our only concern is that he'll stop talking,'' said one GOP strategist. ``He's the best recruiter we've had since Clinton told us, 'It depends on what your definition of is is.'''

Added one Florida Republican, ``We'll take the whites and Christians ... that should pretty much nail down Jeb's election. We can't wait till he starts on Jews and blacks!''

``What can Brown do for you?'' How about lose the data of 3.9 million customers?: Not sure whether the United Parcel Service truckload of Citicorp customers' Social Security numbers and payment histories was lost, stolen or just misplaced, the UPS promotions department jumped into action and announced a new slogan: ``What the hell do you want from us? We're the ones who decided on an drab color like brown to embody our competence. You're the dolts who chose to entrust your valuables with us.''

``That should pretty much cover our butts in the ensuing court case,'' said one UPS lawyer.

Crowe arrested for throwing telephone Oscar-winning actor Russell Crowe was arrested in Manhattan, accused of throwing a telephone at a hotel employee, allegedly because he couldn't make a call. Obviously this was just a small misunderstanding on how Hollywood goes about the publicity game. Crowe, who plays a boxer in his latest film, ``Cinderella Man,'' was just emulating his character, heavyweight champion James Braddock, who once tried to make a phone call.

When the 41-year-old Australian won his Academy Award for depicting a genius on the edge in ``A Beautiful Mind,'' he threw a Rubik's cube at his math coach. When he promoted ``Gladiator,'' he threw a trident at a Cub Scout he had forced into a confrontation. And to publicize his high-seas adventure ``Master and Commander,'' he threw up on an unsuspecting sailor.

Please people, could you stop persecuting these defenseless multimillionaire celebrities? The guy's just trying to do his job.

President's Social Security plan modified: With his effort to save Social Security losing public support, and the president refusing to repeal tax cuts for the wealthy to fund the program, he has added the one element that he feels can make it work: Euthanasia. ``It's not so much that we don't have enough money,'' said an anonymous spokesman, ``as much as it is that sick and elderly people are actually using it. We knock out a bunch of these non-income producers and surplus, here we come!''

CAPTION(S):

photo

Photo:

(color) Democratic National Committee chairman Howard Dean just keeps talking and talking.

Alex Wong/Getty Images