ALL THE NEWS THAT'S FIT TO SPOOF ROVE SPILLED SOME OF THE BEANS, NOT ALL.

Byline: STEVE YOUNG

Important note: I was going start off this week's column with a hilarious satire of the Scott McClellan press briefing defending his prior comments on the alleged classified leaks by Karl Rove. Then I read the actual transcripts and found it to be way funnier than anything I could have written. For the best in White House humor ... go directly to the news pages.

Karl Rove update: Rove's attorney acknowledged that while his client may much a surprise to Karl as it was to Karl's wife, who I cannot name at this have revealed to reporters that Joseph Wilson's wife was a CIA operative, he never told the reporters her name. Said one anonymous White House insider: ``That anyone was able to figure out the name of the former U.S. ambassador's wife, from this irrelevant piece of information, was just as time.''

Chewing on smarts: A new study reveals that though it's thought to be a somewhat obnoxious habit, chewing gum actually increases brain power. That sets the table for the Double Mint twins to be nominated for the Nobel Prize.

MTV redoing Live 8: MTV has been pummeled for its inopportune and tasteless cutaways from Live 8's classic musical performances for inane conversations by vacuous hosts and paid commercial spots. Reeling under the pressure, the music network has promised to make amends by revamping the show. ``We're not too big to admit that we made a mistake,'' conceded one anonymous MTV VP. ``This time we'll knock out the music performances entirely. We know where the money comes from, and it's not from people tuning in to free cable. We at MTV hope this appeases those who are most important to MTV - the advertisers and stockholders.''

Education pays: Friends of L.A. Schools Inc., the organization Superintendent Roy Romer set up to rehabilitate the image of the Los Angeles Unified School District, is in need of rehabilitation. Seems that the nonprofit was profiting almost entirely from construction firms, textbook publishers and other school contractors who have deals totaling millions of dollars with the school district.

Romer has defended the donations, saying his fund-raising never influenced LAUSD business. ``This is not about the money,'' said an unidentified LAUSD source hanging out in the hallway just outside the superintendent's office. ``We would have taken the money from these construction firms, textbook publishers and school contractors whether or not they did business with the district. And we will continue to do business with construction firms, textbooks publishers and school contractors who want to contribute tens of thousands of dollars more.''

``Fantastic'' Hollywood: Delight swarmed over the film industry as the debut of ``The Fantastic Four'' marked the first week in months that box-office receipts were actually better than the previous year. After being raked over the coals for putting out unoriginal, cliched scripts only made worse by inept acting performances that have been killing the industry, insiders hope that this marks a tide change.

Said one industry insider who asked not to be identified because his Malibu home is mortgaged to the hilt: ``We finally proved that unoriginal, cliched scripts only made worse by incompetent acting performances can work.''

Al-Qaida blames London commuters for killings: A video from the terrorist group shown on Al-Jazeera acknowledged that while members were responsible for the bombs that exploded in London last week, they could not be held responsible for the resulting deaths.

``Who knew that anyone would be using trains and buses at 9 a.m.,'' said a tall, bearded man in front of a tall, bearded cave. ``It was not our intention to hurt anyone, but that perhaps now, the world would understand that innocent Western commuters are the scourge of mankind.''

Aruba ``missing girl'' update: With no actual fresh news on the Natalee Holloway case, Fox News went off the air yesterday until, as one unidentified network executive said, ``we can find something else that might sound comparable to news without it being actual news itself.''

Kobe Bryant returns to the ad world: Two years after his arrest on charges of sexually assaulting a Colorado hotel employee, the Laker superstar has returned to the lucrative world of spokespersoning with his picture appearing in a Nike ad in Sports Illustrated. But in what some in the advertising biz calling a ``smart move,'' Bryant has turned down lucrative commercial offers from Motel 6, Viagra and the new ``Need Arrest? Visit Colorado'' tourism campaign.

Anka rocks out: Sixty-four-year-old Paul Anka - '50s teen idol, crooner of ``Put Your Head On My Shoulder'' fame, and ``My Way'' composer, has recorded a new album - ``Rock Swings.'' It includes Van Halen's ``Jump,'' Nirvana's ``Smells Like Teen Spirit'' and other songs by Billy Idol, Bon Jovi, R.E.M. and the Pet Shop Boys. No joke, but pretty funny.

Seal fate not sealed: The Los Angeles County Heritage Coalition has launched a third attempt to restore the image of a cross to the county seal that the Board of Supervisors voted to remove after the American Civil Liberties Union threatened to sue. The ACLU says the LACHC's continued efforts would be of no avail. ``If the Coalition doesn't quit this constant harassment of our clear and constitutional right to harass others,'' said ACLU lawyer Lefty McLefty, ``we'll just be forced to use the little-known constitutional principle that lets us do whatever we want.''

And finally ...

No new Tom Cruise news this week: Pretty amazin', huh?

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Photo:

(color) White House Press Secretary Scott McClelland avoids questions from reporters regarding Deputy Chief of Staff Karl Rove.

Alex Wong/Getty Images