ALL THE NEWS THAT'S FIT TO SPOOF PHIL READY TO DO ANYTHING FOR MEDIA SPOT.

Byline: STEVE YOUNG

Twins? In what is being considered a last-ditch attempt to get one iota of the media coverage received by Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger, R/D- Calif., Phil Angelides, D-Calif., has announced that, if elected, he will immediately call for a $70 million special election, veto any legislation that gives affordable health coverage to everyone, and take pensions from firefighters. ``If that doesn't get me elected, then we pull out all stops,'' said Angelides. ``Jingle All The Way 2.''

Yeah, universal health couldn't work this well: United Health CEO William McGuire has quit his post under a cloud of extremely profitable stock conflict. Although he will only be able to accrue around $1.6 billion in stock options, McGuire fortunately will receive a $5.1 million annual pension. Let me repeat: a $5.1 million annual pension. McGuire insists that he needs every dollar of the pension. ``How else would I be able to afford decent health coverage?''

And the Titanic sank admirably: In the same month that has become the second-most-deadly for U.S. soldiers in Iraq, Vice President Dick Cheney told conservative radio commentator Rush Limbaugh that ``if you look at the general overall situation, they're doing remarkably well.'' He added, ``We're talking about Halliburton, right?''

No naval metaphor left behind -- Admiral takes the academic wheel: Former Navy Vice Adm. David Brewer III spent his first week as LAUSD superintendent-designate cruising the school district from bow to stern. ``Our educational armada has got some heavy seas to navigate, and keeping our schools afloat will necessitate docking Los Angeles students in safe harbor, keeping wind at the teachers' sails, and teaching good square knots to the test.'' Exhausted from overusage of naval analogies, the new supe gurgled: ``The school district that controls the academic oceans, controls the world ... of learning. Otherwise ... we all walk the plank ... figuratively.''

It's (not) all over! Baseball fans now can go to the grave rooting for their favorite team. Eternal Image Inc., maker of customized caskets, has signed a multiyear licensing agreement with Major League Baseball that allows the company to reproduce the names and logos of teams on a new line of coffins and urns. ``And for an extra $100, we can have the Kansas City Royals crawl in there with you,'' said Eternal Image CEO Fay Toll.

No derecho al voto: Letters sent to Latino families last week warning that some immigrants could be jailed or deported for voting next month have been connected to an Orange County Republican campaign. ``It is utterly outrageous to think that we should be linked to anything that tells people they could be penalized just for voting,'' said Republican campaign chairman Owen Arngecountie.

``Only those voting Democratic will be deported. Jeesh!''

Unethical ethics: Los Angeles Ethics Commission chief Gil Garcetti has been fined $1,500 for breaking ethics rules by contributing $500 to his councilman son's re-election campaign. ``In actuality, it was my wife who made me do it,'' said Garcetti, who is presently sleeping on the couch in the den.

Not totally black Sunday: Homeland Security says that the rumors of dirty bombs being planted for National Football League games cannot be substantiated. ``Except for the bomb laid last Monday night by the Arizona Cardinals,'' said Homeland Security chief Michael Chertoff. ``That one was a stinker.''

Goofy diet: The Walt Disney Co. has announced that it will halt the use of its name and characters with food that does not meet nutritional guidelines for sugar, fat and calorie content. ``Except for Dumbo and Pumbaa, the gassy warthog,'' said an overly animated Disney VP. ``These characters, who are overweight or suffering from some pretty bad stomach problems, are probably already eating at McDonald's.''

We make up for quality with volume: This past Tuesday, the number of U.S. residents surpassed 300 million, and fewer than 50 percent of them have been adopted by Angelina Jolie or Madonna.

But fat ain't all that bad: An Ohio judge stayed the execution of a severely overweight Death Row inmate because even though he murdered a family of five -- including three children -- his obesity put him at greater risk of experiencing pain and suffering during the lethal injection. All together now ... ``Awwwwww.''