ALL THE NEWS THAT'S FIT TO SPOOF PELOSI: NO TIMETABLE TO WITHDRAW V.P.

Byline: STEVE YOUNG

Cheney Iraq tour extended: Vice President Dick Cheney's surprise stop in Iraq has caused President Bush some unexpected problems. Democrats have sent the president an emergency bill requiring Cheney to remain in Iraq until all our troops come home. And Speaker Nancy Pelosi has dismissed Republican calls for a timetable to withdraw the vice president.

"Pulling the vice president out of Iraq now would send the wrong message and allow the terrorists there to follow the vice president here," said one House official.

Vacation II Much: Despite an obvious crisis that could affect its very existence, the Iraqi parliament plans to take a two-month vacation during July and August. That hasn't gone down well with the White House. "Going on vacation when there's crucial work to do is unacceptable," said President Bush from his Crawford, Texas, ranch.

Depends on where you come from: In his murder trial, after a long line of women described Phil Spector's penchant for sticking a gun at their head to force them to stay the night with him, Spector's attorneys have introduced the rarely used, "what is bizarre or plain creepy to you is just normal behavior to our client" defense. "It's not exactly saying Mr. Spector is crazy," said law professor Lee Gull. "It just maintains that while some choose to show affection with a gift of flowers, some others do it by shoving a gun to the head of the woman they find appealing. Of course, the problem results when the flower is loaded."

There's always two $ides: Oil companies are asking consumers to understand the personal cost the industry faces with the excessive, rising cost of fuel. "First, there's the carpel tunnel syndrome affecting our executives who have to write out countless bank-deposit slips with all those zeros," explained Petroleum Tramps and Thieves representative Rich Suckudry. "And does anyone truly appreciate how exhausting it is for our distributors, who have been forced to make frequent changes to their pump price signs?"

Payback: The Rev. Al Sharpton was caught on tape saying that "those of us who believe in God" will defeat Republican Mitt Romney for the White House. Though Sharpton denied he was questioning Romney's or any Mormon's belief in God, formerly employed talk show host Don Imus called for Sharpton to be fired. "I don't know if he actually works anywhere," said the man Sharpton pushed to get fired from his TV and radio gigs. "But if he doesn't, someone should hire him immediately, and then I'll work to get him fired."

Deposits and withdrawals: In what is being called a parallel move, World Bank President Paul Wolfowitz, who has been found guilty of a conflict of interest for getting his girlfriend a substantial pay raise, has been transferred to the position of teller at Glendale Federal. "It's really not a disciplinary action," said an anonymous WB ethics panel member. "And now, if Paul needs to give his girlfriend any more money, she can get free parking on Brand Boulevard."

Did they check knife inventory afterward? O.J. Simpson was asked to leave a Louisville, Kentucky, steakhouse the night before the Ky. Derby. The owner said the attention Simpson received made him sick. Simpson's lawyer said this was a matter of pure discrimination. "Couldn't be further from the truth," said an anonymous restaurant worker. "No matter the color, religion or sexual preference, we kick out all scum who get away with murder."

Jailhouse penthouse: It'll be par-tee time down at L.A. County prison as kazillionaire Paris Hilton has been sentenced to 45 days in the hoosegow for driving with a suspended license. Prison officials tell ATN that Hilton will not be treated any differently than any other wealthy inmate: Prison-regulation Prada work boots, Gucci jump suits and Armani shackles and shivs. "We need to keep order," said the unnamed warden, 'but we don't want to ever forget that ET could show up at any moment."

What if? The person who keeps calling you from 800, 877, 888 or 000, as you trip over everything to tackle your kids so they won't answer the phone, is calling to tell you that you've won a million dollars, but will give up calling if you don't answer tonight? Could be? And could that Nigerian widowed queen be telling you the truth in that e-mail you haven't responded to?

No Gas Tuesday clarification: Organizers sent out a notice saying that, despite the gas boycott, you can still eat at Mexican restaurants on 5-15.

Happy Mother's Day: Wasn't all that work worth getting a single day of thanks? Wasn't it? Hello? Mom?