ALL THE NEWS THAT'S FIT TO SPOOF PAKISTAN'S PROMISES, PROMISES.

Byline: STEVE YOUNG

Promise that you won't kill more than 3,000: Pakistani Prime Minister Shaukat Aziz now says the deal that calls for the Pakistani military to allow the Taliban to occupy Northern Pakistan, ``as long as they lead a peaceful life,'' does not mean that Pakistan will not arrest Osama bin Laden if it catches him. ``It just means that we won't go where he is to find him,'' said U.S. ally Aziz. ``But if he walks into any of our country's police headquarters and gives himself up, he's dead meat.''

This guy is slippery: Seemingly unable to capture No. 1 on the terrorist list, coalition forces have once again captured al-Qaida's No. 2 man. ``This guy just seems to keep escaping,'' said U.S. Gen. Lou Zmyman. ``We're starting to think seriously about putting a lock on his cell.''

Troubleshooting immigration: While Congress has boldly put aside the immigration bill until its next session, it has approved a plan to outsource immigration to India. ``Let Gary or Donnie or Patty, or whatever they're calling themselves when you call them to fix your computer, handle the illegals problem,'' said House Speaker Dennis Hastert. ``They'll probably figure it out at one-tenth the cost ... if we can ever figure out what they're saying.''

A killer name: In an attempt to collect some of the $33.5 million judgment from a 1997 wrongful-death civil suit, Fred Goldman, father of murder victim Ron Goldman, has filed for publicity rights to the name, image and likeness of O.J. Simpson. Some of the business efforts Goldman plans to undertake are ``How Did You Expect Me To Look For The Killers When I Don't Have a Mirror'' golf carts and ``Arrest Me Before I Kill Again'' fruit cereals and ``I, O.J. Simpson, Was Guilty as Sin and The Jury Who Acquitted Me Were Freakin' Idiots'' men's fragrances.

All the new O.J. products can be purchased through the Web site Don'tDateMeUnlessYouWantToDie.com.

They have to do something: In a last-ditch effort that can be only be considered payback, Roy Romer and the Los Angeles Unified school board are floating a new plan for them to take over the mayorship of Los Angeles.

Down for the count: Warren Mitofsky, the originator of the first national exit polls, died this past week, despite an earlier forecast in the afternoon poll that had John Kerry dying instead.

Sick decision: Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger has vowed to veto the universal health care bill that just passed the state Legislature. ``I don't see why we should be paying medical coverage for the millions of people who can't afford the high cost of health insurance, when we can pay the high cost of health insurance directly to the health insurance companies,'' said the governor. ``I mean, they're the ones who did all the work to make it unaffordable. Besides, I was beating Angelides so easily, I figured I'd throw him a bone that might make the race more of a challenge.''

Yeah, and my dog ate my homework: Paris Hilton's spokesman Elliot Mintz said that DUI arrest of the fabulously wealthy something-or-other was not because she was drunk, but ``probably the result of an empty stomach and working all day and being fatigued.'' The gods of satire refuse to let me to write any more on this one as, ``it would just be too freaking easy.''

Good night and good gams: With skyrocketing ratings for Katie Couric's long-awaited debut as anchor of the CBS Evening News, look for Brian Williams and Charles Gibson to take a serious look at shorter pants and slimming sports jackets. ``It's not that we want to copy Katie's style as much as I've never been one to shy away from showing a little ankle,'' said Williams. ``Hey, if that's what it takes to pull in $15 mil a year, I'll wear a thong.''

A really good guy passes: Guy Gabaldon was an L.A. Mexican-American, and a World War II hero. As an 18-year old Marine private, he used his street-taught Japanese to single-handedly persuade 800 Japanese to surrender -- in a single day, during the battle to secure the island of Saipan. Gabaldon died this past week. Understanding the enemy and talking their language is something we might want to consider today. Much less painful than bullets. It also wouldn't hurt for the Defense Department to award Guy the Medal of Honor he so richly deserved. No joke.