ALL THE NEWS THAT'S FIT TO SPOOF NASA A LITTLE SHORT ON THE RIGHT STUFF.

Byline: STEVE YOUNG

Houston, we have a ... nutjob: In a fit of jealousy an astronaut in a diaper is accused of driving 900 miles to kill another astronaut to get her out of the picture so she could date a third astronaut. Nope, I'm not touching that one. Too easy. Too many others have already had their go with it. I'm leaving this one alone. So, that's that. Nothing to see here. Move along.

But if I were going to... In an attempt to stop further problems like what Lisa Nowak had to deal with, NASA has introduced what it's calling the Thousand Mile High Club. "They've been docking up there for years," said one NASA sexpert. "This would just be a natural next step, and as a bonus it should relieve some of the pressure they encounter when they land."

Very old school: Sen. Joe Biden, D-Del., explained his comments in reference to Sen. Barack Obama, D-Ill., saying that he didn't mean African-Americans aren't mainstream or articulate or clean. "I just meant to say that they may not have the necessities to swim," Biden said. "I hope now we can put to rest all this folderol concerning me being ignorant about coloreds."

Half glass full: President Bush's new budget provides for increased military spending in Iraq and Afghanistan and decreased earmarks for Medicare. "It's really a quid pro quo," said Bush's budget director. "More war keeps thousand of soldiers from ever getting to the age where they'll need Medicare. Put that together with the fact that their orphaned children don't have to wait the usual 50 years to spend their life insurance, I think you'd agree it's really a win-win situation for everyone."

I must, I must improve my lust: A study has revealed that soap can increase breast size. Ivory Soap Corp has reported an enormous increase in men making purchases for their wives. "It works for other body parts, too," said one researcher. "With our findings we expect a significant rise in men staying in showers a bit longer than normal."

Somebody has to stop this guy: Once again, this past week, less than one week after the last oldest person died, the new oldest person in the world died. "It's a puzzling condition," said Dr. Centenarian. "One thing for sure, it's not healthy to become the oldest person in the world. It seems to be a death sentence."

It's all in the name (you make up): Sections of Van Nuys, the San Fernando Valley's oldest community, keep breaking up into smaller communities like Lake Balboa and Valley Village, hoping that the more charming names will distract people from realizing that nothing else has changed. In hopes of keeping any more pieces of geography from defecting, the portion of Van Nuys that still remains will be changing its name to Adorable Puppy With Huge Beverly Hills Adjacent Eyes Hamlet.

Taking one for the city: Mayor Gavin Newsom defended his affair with an aide's wife as just the boost the San Francisco straight community needed.

Well, that's straightened out: After three weeks of intense therapy, Rev. Ted Haggard, who had resigned as leader of his megachurch because of having sex with a gay prostitute and using illicit drugs, is determined to no longer be homosexual. "I was only attracted to one gay guy," said the newly straight Haggard. "Besides, when I had sex with him, how was I supposed to know he was gay?"

Our priorities a bit inverted? Sen. Barack Obama has admitted past cocaine use. President Bush was once pulled over for drinking and driving. Vice President Cheney had two DUIs. Sen. Ted Kennedy, well, just Sen. Ted Kennedy. They all won their elections and continue to serve.

This past week Akron Watson of San Antonio, selected to go to the next round on "American Idol," was bounced because he was discovered to have a misdemeanor for marijuana possession. It proves one important thing. Americans aren't particularly fussy about who's running this country, but we certainly won't stand for someone in the music industry using drugs.

The no-punchline needed story of the week: An audit of the firm hired by the city to improve oversight and speed workers' compensation claims for police and firefighters revealed the company provided slow claims service and unsatisfactory oversight.