ALL THE NEWS THAT'S FIT TO SPOOF MEDICARE USERS, DON'T GET SICK.

Byline: STEVE YOUNG

New drug program is sick: Senior citizens are finding themselves overwhelmed by the new Medicare drug plan that many call a fiasco. ``Those who call the plan a fiasco have little understanding of the benefits of the word fiasco,'' said a Medicare spokesman who would not give out his phone number. ``Say it with me: 'Fiasco.' It's a fun word, isn't it?''

Until the program gets the bugs out, officials have put a stopgap program in effect. ``We're asking seniors and those on disability not to get sick for awhile,'' said one Medicare administrator. ``It's a win-win for the elderly. Our studies show that staying healthy feels a lot better than being sick.''

Lobbyist rule changes: With the same attitude of who's-better-to-write-unprincipled-legislation-benefiting-pharmaceutical-companies-than-pharmaceutical-companies, congressional Republicans say they will do what's necessary to rid politics of lobbyist corruption. Roy Blunt, R-Mo., who is looking to replace the indicted Tom DeLay, R-Texas, as House majority leader, plans to introduce the Closing The Barn Door After The Horse Who Passed Laws Benefiting Those Who Paid Off The Horse Has Left The Barn Bill.

``Above all, the money-for-favors practice just isn't fair,'' said Blunt. ``To level the playing field, this new legislation will force members of Congress to accept money and gifts from people who they don't do anything for.''

Name game: The city of Anaheim is suing Angels' owner Arte Moreno for breach of contract based on the team's new name of the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim. Playing hardball, if the Angels don't change their name back to the Anaheim Angels, city officials have threatened to change the name of Anaheim to ``Arte Moreno Stinks Big-Time.''

Baseball not been very, very good to Fidel: Reacting to the U.S. rejection of Cuba's entry into this year's World Baseball Classic, Fidel Castro called the Americans ``cowards who are afraid to play us.''

``It isn't that we're afraid,'' countered Major League Baseball Commissioner Bud Selig. ``It's just that we can't find enough American-born players to field a team.''

Golden Globes don't ask, don't tell: Representatives for the Hollywood Foreign Press maintain the success of ``Brokeback Mountain,'' ``Capote,'' ``Transamerica'' and ``King Kong'' is not evidence of a gay agenda. Said a Foreign Press correspondent, ``There's just no longer any good heterosexual films.''

In a related story, Massachusetts has become the first state to allow gay cowboys to marry.

Another one bites the dust: Rep. Bob Ney, R-Ohio, stepped down from his post as chairman of the House Administration Committee, saying he would not be indicted. Jack Abramoff, Scooter Libby, Tom DeLay, Michael Scanlon and Duke Cunningham agreed.

Invading Pat Robertson territory: New Orleans Mayor Ray Nagin blamed the devastating hurricanes this past year on God's anger over the U.S. invasion into Iraq. A source from God's office, said that, ``if God wanted to express his anger through natural disaster, the mayor would be spending most of his time trying to explain why the same lightning bolt keeps striking his fat head.''

Assisted suicide lives: In a 6-3 vote, the Supreme Court has ruled that Oregon's physician-assisted suicide law is constitutional, making way for the state's new motto. ``Oregon, Now You Don't Need To Live Here As Long As Before.''

While they had fought against the law, the White House sees an upside. ``The president just realized Oregon went Democrat in 2004,'' said Republican National Committee Chairman Ken Mehlman. ``We'll be working overtime to get California to pass the same law before 2008.''

White House admits spying on White House: ``With all the talk about terrorists, al-Qaida and war going on in this place, we had no choice,'' said National Security Agency Chief Listen-iner, Ears McTap. ``To protect America from another attack, no one can be above suspicion. I've even started listening in to my own conversations.''

In a related story, the president has ordered the Justice Department, who ordered the warrantless eavesdropping, to sue itself.

Kirk auctions kidney stone on eBay: Also up for auction: A silo of ear wax from Leonard Nimoy.

A million little free pieces of publicity: James Frey, author of the so-called nonfiction book, ``A Million Little Pieces,'' that was revealed to be more fiction than not, has reversed himself now, admitting the fictional portion of the book was, in fact, true. ``My admission was, for the most part, fictional,'' said Oprah's new best friend. ``With all the unbelievable free publicity I received from my first admission, I figured I'd just keep this free public relations train on the 'I Can't Believe How Gullible Oprah Readers Are' track.''