ALL THE NEWS THAT'S FIT TO SPOOF KATIE TOO MUCH FOR P.M. NEWS FANS?

Byline: Steve Young

Not so perky: With ratings already slipping after her first week womaning the anchor desk at the ``CBS Evening News,'' Katie Couric has lashed out at critics for what they have called ``fluff news reading.''

``For godsakes, I was the co-anchor of the `Today Show,''' said the adorably ornery Couric. ``If you wanted Walter Cronkite, you should haven't hired someone with legs that go all the way up to here ... which, because I am so wholesome, I can't tell you where that is.''

1-800-Hott-gov: Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger's office seems unconcerned about the recent release of his comments regarding a Latina legislator's hot-blooded bloodline. ``We thought you caught him grabbing someone's butt or breasts,'' said the governor's representative, Max Im. ``For crying out loud, he made `Kindergarten Cop,' you want us to defend this?''

Houston, you had a problem: Claiming she had been in a coma for the past 14 years, Whitney Houston regained consciousness just long enough to announce her separation from former singer and present something-or-other Bobby Brown. ``When I came to and my friends told me who I was married to,'' the former songstress said, ``I really had no choice.''

Bobby Brown declined to comment, then punched out his lack of comment.

It must smart, except for the smart part: Buried in the Senate Intelligence Committee report that disclosed there was absolutely no connection between Saddam Hussein and al-Qaida prior to the 2003 U.S. invasion of Iraq was that there was no note that there is no connection between the Senate and intelligence.

Lost in space: Two spacewalking astronauts attempting to repair the International Space Station lost a bolt when it fell under the spaceship, where they were unable to reach it. On the plus side, shuttle commander Brent Jett did find the left sock he had lost during takeoff. ``I never thought I'd find it,'' said Jett, ``but I'm still missing that damn remote control.''

Lost in space II: Osama bin Laden has announced that to ensure he will never be found, he is signing a deal with the Oakland Raider offense.

Redefining progress: In an attempt to clarify their remarks this past week citing ``progress'' in the Iraq war despite the deteriorating situation, President George W. Bush and Vice President Dick Cheney have asked Congress to pass a bill designating the Iraq invasion as ``Opposite War.''

``9-11 changed everything,'' said White House spokesman Tony Snow, ``including words and phrases. From now on, `quagmire,' `civil war' and `we haven't found anything,' will be considered, `progress,' `last throes of the insurgency' and `there are definitely WMD.'''

School reforms on fast track: With his new Los Angeles Unified School District control well-secured, Los Angeles Mayor Antonio Villaraigosa has quickly implemented changes to the school system which he feels should ``immediately increase grades and attendance.'' Some of the modifications include granting video arcades academic accreditation, permitting students to send their pets to school in their place, and hiring Mary K. Laterno as the boys' gym teacher.

Two bad: Britney Spears has given birth to her second child. Condolences to the baby are flying in from around the world.

``Girls Gone Wild: -- $2.1 million fine'': The entertainment company that produces the ``Girls Gone Wild'' films and its founder pleaded guilty Tuesday to charges that they failed to document the ages of possible underage female ``performers'' in sexually oriented productions. ``Funny, the entire time I was looking at the girls, I never noticed their ages,'' admitted the company's head boob.

What a drag: West Hollywood officials say that 35 years of the same-ole, same-ole Gay Pride weekend celebration has gotten stale and should be expanded to an entire month of the staleness, ``but with much more fuchsia.''