ALL THE NEWS THAT'S FIT TO SPOOF JUST TAKE IRAN, PLEASE.

Byline: STEVE YOUNG

Does this speech make me look crazy? Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad followed up his Holocaust denial by telling students at Columbia University that he himself didn't exist. "I am only an ethereal hypothetical that the Great Satan of Washington conjured up as the straw dog to use to spread their evilness around the world," said the fictional bad guy. "You want to blame someone for me, blame the gays in my country who also don't exist."

Shecky Ahmadinejad went on to say that Iran is gay-free and that "the parades put on by our musical theater fans are not about gay pride but just the way single men and women in Iran pay tribute to Judy Garland and Babs Streisand."

Thinking ahead: In an attempt to combat the problem before "homes stuck on the freeway" becomes a major headache for commuters, the Los Angeles City Council has called on transportation officials to create a home-pool lane for use during rush hours. "While it might seem like an egregious waste of money and insensitive to renters," said one council member, "do we have to wake up one morning and find entire communities strewn across every lane of the 101 before we actually do something?"

Fighting terrorism at twice the price: While there were some who castigated Rudy Giuliani over the planned "$9.11 for Rudy" campaign parties ($9.11 incremental donations), others saw it as a great opportunity to jump on the historic war-catalyst-symbolism mixed with petty-politics bandwagon. "Archduke Ferdinand Assassination for John Edwards" and "Pearl Harbor for Fred Thompson" parties have popped up across the country. But Dennis Kucinich has them all beat with the "$18.22 for Dennis" soirees with which the Kucinich campaign not only compounds the exploitation of the event, "but garners double the proceeds of Giuliani."

Look at his bright side: Dodger owner Frank McCourt doesn't believe that being shut out of the playoffs, overpriced parking, and having clubhouse battles between veterans and youngsters should have fans looking at the glass as half-empty. "I believe it's more important to look at it as an overflowing diamond-plated goblet filled with millions of dollars," said McCourt. "And I bought that glass with a .500 team. Wanna sip?"

Racist to one person is just plain bigoted to another: Bill O'Reilly set off a firestorm with his remarks concerning his visit to a Harlem restaurant, where he "couldn't get over the fact that there was no difference between Sylvia's restaurant and any other restaurant in New York City ... It was exactly the same, even though it's run by blacks."

While many in the media tried to frame his comments as racist, what they failed to note was that Bill regularly visited other New York restaurants. "I couldn't get over the fact that the menu at Morty's Kosher Deli was reasonably priced and Frankie's Pizzeria was devoid of a Mafia clientele," said the No-spinster. "If that's racist, then I guess that liberals don't hate the troops."

Affordable energy: With house prices dropping like a rock, Countrywide Mortgage has announced that it will expand its business, offering variable mortgages for gasoline purchases. "It's an opportunity to give those who do not have the money for a shot at the American dream of finally owning a tank of gas," said fuel broker Fleece McBankrupt. "Spreading the cost over 30 years isn't so much crazy as it is unseemly profitable."

Ow! A Russian woman gave birth to a 17-pound baby girl. That's all. Isn't that enough?

Please stop with the Marcel Marceau jokes: Yes, he was a mime, and everyone hates mimes. Even mimes hate mimes. Self-hate is one of the great motivators in show biz. But no one hated Marcel Marceau, who died this past week at the age of 84 -- except maybe for the dog he insisted on taking for walks whenever the wind built up to unwalkable strength.

That's what I would write if I were one of those obnoxious comedy writers who only goes for the most obvious joke. I'm not. But if I were ... I would expect mimes around the world to stop working endlessly boring parties for a moment of conversation, shedding a tear that was painted on their faces. I'd say that Marceau was at the end of a rope that didn't exist. That he be buried in the same box he was unable to get out of for years. And that his last words were ...

See, if I did write those easy gags, it would not only show me to be a shameless exploiter of a man's death, but would also send a clear signal that I have no idea what satire is supposed to be.

So, please, if you have a shred of decency, let the man lie in peace ... and quiet.