ALL THE NEWS THAT'S FIT TO SPOOF IT SEEMS LIKE OLD TIMES WITH O.J.

Byline: STEVE YOUNG

Can't we leave the poor guy alone? Why is it that every time O.J. Simpson needs to threaten someone with guns or knives, the American public needs to jump all over him? "There's absolutely no proof that he slit anyone's throat this time," said Simpson attorney Lyle Sohillgetoff. "Just because his search for the real killers led him to a Vegas hotel room filled with sports memorabilia that really belongs to one of the victim's families ... er, maybe I said too much."

These kids today: Word is that Mattel is coming out with a whole new line of the hottest new fun-filled recreational activity for teens: The Taserlizer.

"It's not just for criminals or college students interrupting boring speeches from flip-flopping senators anymore," said Mattel VP Sal LedToiz. "Getting 50,000 volts blasted through your nervous system is not only fun for any age, but makes for great YouTube videos that you can enjoy in the comfort of your very own burn ward."

Pay it forward or backward; I don't care, just pay it: An independent watchdog has been secured to oversee the rampant payroll problems in the Los Angeles Unified School District. "It's not so much that the issues will be corrected as much as we'll have someone to keep track of them," said LAUSD watchdog Spot. "Although the school board and I don't see that big a problem. Our checks have been just fine."

And she's studying hard for the test: The judge in the Britney Spears-Kevin Federline child-custody battle has ordered the unchoreographed singer to be "drug tested" twice a week. "It was the MTV Awards dance number that nailed it for me," said the presiding judge. "It wasn't that I know for sure that she was under the influence, as much as I thought that no child should have to watch his parent embarrassing herself like that. Actually, I hope she was loaded. At least then she'd have an excuse."

We're number last! For the 23rd year in a row, Los Angeles is listed as the worst traffic town in the U.S., with drivers stuck in traffic for nearly 72 hours every year. "The sad fact is that half these drivers who get stuck for 72 hours only drive one week a year," said traffic expert Sig Alert. "They're really throwing off the percentages."

Welcome-back gorge: The gas-pump prices have soared the past two weeks; the gas companies are red-faced. "Obviously someone was asleep at the switch," said oil company executive Rip Usoff. "Having the price drop like it had over the last month is criminal -- to our stockholders -- and to our chauffeurs, maids and butlers."

Screwing off: The governor of the central Russian province of Ulyanovsk urged couples to take a day off to make love and help boost Russia's low birthrate. Those who give birth on Russia Day, June 12, 2008, will receive a prize as large as a house.

American corporations are thinking about doing the same thing. "But our workers are much more efficient," said union representative Rock Brakurneze. "We'll give them five minutes off, whether they need to use the entire time or not."

Family surge: Senate Republicans have blocked a bill that will allow soldiers to spend as much time with their families as they do fighting in Iraq. "I just felt that there were other options," said Sen. John Warner, R-Va., who was for the bill before voting against it. "So instead of having the troops come home, we'll be sending their families to Iraq. That way they not only get to spend the time together, but we get more feet on the ground. That way we kill two birds with one stone, though that may be a poor choice use of words."

Best defending-the-success-of-the-surge quote of the week: "There's been real changes. In Ramadi, that has been one of worst places in Iraq, it is now one of the less bad places in Iraq."

-- David Frum, American Enterprise Institute Fellow, National Review Contributor on CNN's "Reliable Sources," Sept. 16