ALL THE NEWS THAT'S FIT TO SPOOF IF FIDO CAN EAT IT, SO CAN FIREFIGHTERS.

Byline: STEVE YOUNG

Thinking outside the box lunch: The Los Angeles City Council reversed itself on the $2.7 million settlement it had agreed to pay a black firefighter whose ``buddies'' served him dog food as a joke. ``When we realized that all we had to do was pass a retroactive legislation making dog food an acceptable human staple, it made perfect sense,'' Councilman Greg Smith said. ``As a bonus, it will give those senior citizens, already forced to eat dog food to survive, a sorely needed self-esteem boost.''

Much better: Hoping to put an end to the debate about his comedy-club heckler attack, Michael Richards issued a statement saying he wasn't being racist but was just ``nervous'' and ``forgot the joke'' he meant to tell about the penny-pinching Jewish man and the mustached Italian woman who walk into a bar where a Chinese guy is taking pictures of the dumb blonde bartender waiting on a drunk Indian squaw. ``It's a Polish joke,'' Richards said. ``So in reality, it doesn't offend anyone.''

And in such small portions: Russian President Vladimir Putin had blamed bad sushi for the death of former Russian spy Alexander Litvinenko. ``Sometimes they leave the uncooked fish out too long, and it can really do a number on your stomach,'' Putin said. As far as the radioactive material that slowly ate away Litvinenko's organs until he died in excruciating pain, Putin explained in his best Woody Allen inflection, ``Too much salt.''

Get out: Jenna and Barbara Bush, the president's twin daughters, on a 25th birthday vacation in Argentina, have resisted demands that they leave. ``We will not leave until our mission is accomplished,'' Jenna said. Barbara added: ``When Argentinians can party up, we will stand down.''

What would Jesus do? Rev. Joel Hunter, president-elect of the Christian Coalition of America, was forced to resign his post because he wanted to ``include compassion issues such as poverty, justice and creation care'' into the Christian Coalition agenda. Founder Pat Robertson backed the decision to ask Hunter to leave. ``We'd like to think we only support the issues Jesus would want us to.''

Over the line: Magician/illusionist David Blaine's latest insufferable ``look at me'' event fell short of success as he fell from the gyroscope he was spinning in above Times Square, bringing a threat of legal action from the locals. ``We're sick and tired of self-centered showoffs cheapening the XXX theaters and drug-dealing neighborhood,'' one Times Square crack-addicted hooker said.

Uncivil War: On NBC's ``Today'' show, which gets its biggest rating when it holds a free wedding in between offering ideas for recipes of the season, Matt Lauer announced that NBC News has decided that the conflict in Iraq can now be categorized as a ``civil war.'' The White House objected to NBC's analysis, adding that America's so-called Civil War over slavery was ``just a simple misunderstanding over the help's room and board.''

Bigger not better: Former major league baseball slugger and suspected steroid user Mark McGwire, first-time eligible for the Hall of Fame this year, is facing resistance from the voters. The problem, the Hall's public relations director said, isn't McGwire's suspected steroid use, but a matter of room. ``If we vote in McGwire, we'd have to vote in his biceps, too, and we can't afford another wing.''

Unexpected: Soon-to-be House Speaker Nancy Pelosi, D-Calif., who said the first thing Democrats would do upon taking power would be to implement the recommendations of the 9-11 Commission, announced they will not be reorganizing Congress to improve oversight and funding of the nation's intelligence agencies, as the commission had recommended. Pelosi apologized for what seems like a lie. ``Nothing could be further from the truth, whatever that is. But when I said that we would implement their suggestions, I never thought we'd win. Sorry.''

Wait till Bill finds out: It's December, and once again it's time to defend Christmas from Satan's ``Happy Holiday'' salutations. While businesses such as Wal-Mart will allow their personnel to wish customers ``Merry Christmas,'' some others, such as Murray's Kosher Catering and Chanukah Emporium, announced they will continue to not carry Christmas merchandise.

Thoughtful gals: Britney Spears and Paris Hilton have teamed up to become BFFs. ``With the rising price of gas, we thought it would be nice to save the paparazzi time and money traveling between skanks,'' Britney said.