ALL THE NEWS THAT'S FIT TO SPOOF GETTING A CLOSER LOOK AT GEORGE W.

Byline: STEVE YOUNG

Important note: Due to the fact that the president having a colonoscopy opens the opportunity for easy jokes, the fine art of satire forbids me to venture into that far too exploitable area, so there will be no references to said area derriere in this column. But, if I were to go there ...

Political probe: Congressional Democrats are threatening hearings to investigate President Bush's polyp removals. "The polyps were doing just fine, benign really, until Karl Rove stepped in," said Rep. Henry Waxman, D-Los Angeles, head of the House Judiciary Committee. "Something smells."

"These polyps were not removed for political reasons," argued press secretary Tony Snow. "They were serving at the pleasure of the president until his doctor decided they were providing no pleasure at all."

"I would not put it past Rove to have his own polyps replace the president's because they would be more politically beneficial," said Sen. Pat Leahy, D-Vt. "We'll be looking into the president's colon and the procedure itself to see if there's any evidence of hanky-panky, or whatever the kids are calling it today."

In announcing that the White House would not let the president's gastroenterologist, who performed the colonoscopy, nor the colon itself, testify, Snow insisted, "The procedure was purely a medical decision to prevent any potential for cancer."

"It's a little late for that," said former Nixon attorney John Dean. "There is already a cancer growing on this presidency."

Under contentious questioning from senators, Attorney General Alberto Gonzales did not recall the president's colonoscopy.

Vice President Dick Cheney: In an attempt to prolong his takeover of the presidency during President Bush's colonoscopy, President Dick Cheney passed a presidential order keeping colonoscopy patients under sedation for a minimum of 18 months following the procedure. "The president -- the Cheney one -- was just trying to err on the side of caution," said Snow. "It's not like we're torturing President Bush, though that is a matter for lawyers to argue."

Snow added that Cheney wanted to apologize for his inadvertent repeal of the Constitution during his term. "He just got on a roll and he didn't realize that we're still using most of the checks and balances."

She-e-e's back ... in rehab: Lindsay Lohan was arrested again for driving under the influence and possession of cocaine. "It was just a simple misunderstanding of the Alcoholic Anonymous precept," said a Lohan attorney. "Ms. Lohan thought she was supposed to drink one day at a time. The cocaine she allegedly had in her possession was just a small matter of confusion. Lindsay forgot to wind her watch and thought it was 1912, a full two years prior to cocaine becoming illegal. Otherwise, I got nothin'."

Timing is everything: Starbucks Coffee said Monday it is raising prices for its coffee and other freshly made drinks in most of its U.S. stores this month, citing rising costs, including dairy products, energy and fuel.

"With gasoline prices coming down, we felt it was a perfect time to take advantage of the consumer," said one Starbucks VP. "Look, these are people who are willing to pay three bucks for the same coffee they could get across the street for one buck. Adding another few cents isn't going to kill them."

Housing market booming ... or is it blowing up?: Last year, a record 17,408 California homeowners lost their property while foreclosures jumped 799 percent in Los Angeles County. "It's not time to panic," said one panicked real estate broker. "It's not like the foreclosures went up a full 800 percent. Now, that would be a problem."

Some outtakes from YouTube Democratic debate: The "Star Wars" kid wanted to know who Hillary thought was Luke's father. Another didn't have any questions but wowed the candidates by performing every dance ever created. "Really awesome," said candidate Mike Gravel. But when a YouTuber impressed the candidates by airing a "Snakes on a Plane" trailer, one candidate remained steadfast. "I don't care how they try to promote it," said Dennis Kucinich, D-Ohio. "I'm still not going to see it."

"Get out Iraq now," added Kucinich.

Fat and fatterless: A new study reveals friends who are friends of obese people tend to be obese themselves. The study didn't say which friend is the obese friend and which friend is the friend who is obese because they're hanging out with an obese friend. In a related story, prices of thin friends are skyrocketing.

In memoriam -- Batboy, we hardly knew ye: The ever-popular supermarket checkout-stand mainstay, the Weekly World News, home of the World's Fattest Baby, Bigfoot, Elvis and Adolf Hitler sightings, has announced that it will no longer be publishing. There is has been no confirmation whether WWN columnists will continue ghostwriting for Bill O'Reilly.