ALL THE NEWS THAT'S FIT TO SPOOF EX-PREZ, ANCHOR IN SMACKDOWN.

Byline: STEVE YOUNG

Let's get ready to rumble: Bill Clinton and Fox News anchor Chris Wallace have agreed to face each other in a pay-per-view World Wrestling Entertainment Steel Cage match. ``Really, it's the only way to settle this thing,'' said WWE president Vince McMahon. Prelim has ``Hillary v. Condi,'' though McMahon wouldn't disclose the wrestlers' last names.

Hasta la vista: Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger vetoed Sen. Sheila Kuehl's universal health care bill, saying he opposes government-run health medicine. ``Unaffordable health insurance is not the fault of the health insurance companies, it's the fault of the people who can't afford health insurance,'' said the governor, who can afford to buy his own hospital. ``If people want to make health coverage affordable, tell them to get less costly sicknesses.''

Robbing the cradle: Anna Nicole Smith's attorney has admitted to being the father of her newborn baby. But Smith denies the insemination revelation. ``He makes a million a year and he's under 80,'' said the amazing-how-gorgeous-can-look-unattractive, former chubby, former thin, Playmate. ``Way too poor and young to interest me.''

How 'bout that Cowboy: All-pro bad boy Terrell Owens announced that his overdose of medication was not a suicidal plea for help as much as a new unique touchdown-celebration he's working on.

I am not outta here: In a move that stunned longtime political observers, Donald Rumsfeld has called for his own firing. ``I can't think of anything I've done right,'' said the beleaguered but whimsical secretary of defense. ``From mismanaging the Iraq war to the selection of clashing colors in the redecoration of my office, I've proven that I don't know winning strategy from a charcoal crimson.'' A Rumsfeld spokesman said that the secretary would not be deterred by his critics and ``would stay on even if he quits.''

A step down: Oprah Winfrey wants an Oprah for President Web site shut down. ``She would never want to be president,'' said the queen of all media's spokesman. ``It's not the cut in money. It's the reduction in power.''

Now we know why we're there: A leak from the National Intelligence Estimate said that the invasion of Iraq has become terrorists' cause celebre. ``The run on one-way airline tickets to Iraq is already more than we can handle,'' said Saudi travel agent to terrorist Ama Gonablowup. ``We can't write the suicide notes fast enough.''

What's a bigot to do? With allegations of past racist behavior, combined with his recent acknowledgment that he has Jewish roots, Sen. George Allen, R-Va., has seen his once-runaway re-election attempt fall very much in doubt. ``The claims of racism combined with my own Judaic background have been quite confusing,'' said the former potential presidential candidate. ``I don't know whether to hate minorities or just myself.''

Dead again? Reports of Osama bin Laden's death have once again proven ... exaggerated. ``If you pay attention to these reports,'' said terrorist TV expert Jeffery Lyons, ``bin Laden has died more times than a CBS sitcom joke. He just had a little spinach with his humus, and everyone jumped to conclusions.''

So that's why they smile: Researchers say that the woman posing for Leonardo da Vinci's 16th century masterpiece ``Mona Lisa'' was probably either pregnant or had just given birth. The major clue was the disclosure of a note to her husband that read, ``Never again.''

Happy Rosh Hashana: It's been 5767 for more than a week, and I'm still putting 5766 on my checks. But I tellya. Really, I do.