ALL THE NEWS THAT'S FIT TO SPOOF DEMS COULD USE A GOOD SLOGAN; WEAPONS DON'T LAST AS LONG AS CELEBS.

Byline: STEVE YOUNG

Battle of words: While Democrats decry the Republicans' innate ability to beat down their party with a simple catchphrase like ``cut and run,'' Karl Rove just throws it right back in John Kerry's face. ``Do you want a country run by a bunch of so-called politicos who can't come up with a decent catchphrase?'' asked Bush's brain. ```Lie and Die?' C'mon, that is so World War II.''

No pain, no ... on second thought ... pain: Legislators in Sacramento voted down assisted-suicide legislation. ``We just figured that since we're not in unbearable pain, with a horrific quality of life, nor miserably hopeless, we were the best ones to make the choice for those who are,'' said one California lawmaker who feigned sorrow. ``Who better to make this extreme personal choice for those who are suffering are terribly, than a bunch of insufferable strangers?''

Said one of the terminal patients who pushed for the passage of the legislation: ``Finally, a reason to live -- to vote these idiots out of office.''

It's gonna be a hot, albeit patriotic, one: With the flag-burning amendment going down in flames, fire departments around the nation are poised to deal with what could spark a countrywide, five-alarm inferno. ``Without the deterrent, every American city could ignite into a hotbed of blazes set by Old Glory-torching hooligans who now know they can get away with murder,'' said Federal Fire Chief Sparky McFry, ``or in the least, arson.''

Members of Congress were even more adamant. ``This summer, America could literally combust in any number of fire synonyms,'' said Rep. Blister Kindle, R-Fire Island, N.Y.

Military enlists AARP: Now that the Armed Forces has raised the age of recruitment to 42, benefits for our aging fighting forces will also expand. Rumored dividends will include early-bird dinners, movie-theater discounts and all the Sweet & Low you can steal.

Pet fix nixed: The city of Los Angeles announced it was pulling out of a controversial ``Hooters for Neuters'' event set up to encourage more men to spay and neuter their pets. ``Hot, bikini-clad women strutting nearly naked in front of a bunch of salivating men has nothing to do with animalistic sex nor other causes of pregnancy,'' said the city's head of Placing Our Heads in The Sand Department.

Best WMD of the 20th century: Sen. Rick Santorum, R-Pa., announced last week that ``We have found weapons of mass destruction in Iraq, chemical weapons.'' Immediately after, the Defense Department announced that it knew of these munitions long ago and they were just aging, pre-1991 chemical arms that had degraded so much as to be useless. Aging makes something useless? Try telling that to Goldie Hawn. < Passin' on: It is an ``alarming health hazard'' and ``indisputable'' that secondhand smoke causes cancer, so says Surgeon General Richard Carmona, bringing great relief to cigarette manufacturers. ``This proves once and for all that we were right when we said that cigarettes didn't cause cancer,'' exclaimed an elated tobacco publicist, Phil O'Crap. ``Smokers do.''

Will the penal code call for hard time? Talk-show host Rush Limbaugh, who had recently made a deal with prosecutors over previous drug charges, was found arriving in Palm Beach, Fla., airport, holding prescription Viagra not in his name. Nothing more. Just fun to report.

OK, there is a little crying in baseball, aka is this fair? Thomas G. Arthur, 84, the man who created the Dodger Dog, died, yet the guy who is behind the Dodger pitching staff remains hale and hearty.

Oh, brother: Researchers from Canada's Brock University released a study that reports the likelihood of someone being gay rises with the more older brothers one has. Yet the study does not explain how the new Superman is an only child.

Showbiz-in-a-sentence news: Naomi Campbell threw Russell Crowe's phone at Axl Rose who then bit Star Jones when she announced she was quitting like Lindsey Lohan's stylist while Britney Spears appeared nude and pregnant in Harper's Bazaar around the time of Nicole Kidman's Australian wedding.

TV imitating life? Not really: Homeland Security chief Michael Chertoff told a Heritage Foundation forum, which included producers and stars of Fox's hit show, ``24,'' that real counterterrorism work is quite a bit different than a television drama. ``First of all, television shows make you think that federal bureaus know what they're doing,'' said Chertoff. ``On the other hand, Jack Bauer has been named to run FEMA and Donald Sutherland will head the MASH Unit in Iraq.''