ALL THE NEWS THAT'S FIT TO SPOOF CHEAP SHOTS, AND THEN SOME, ABOUT FOLEY.

Byline: STEVE YOUNG

Important note to readers: Because of the obvious easy mark that is the Rep. Mark Foley, R-Fla., scandal, a lot of satirists would have seized on the sad affair to turn out a bunch of easy and gratuitous jokes. I am not that kind of opportunist. But if I were ...

Neverland, Washington-style: House Republican leaders defended themselves from the Foley e-mail scandal by saying that his instant messaging to underage pages appeared to be just ``over-friendly.'' They then defended themselves from the debacle in Iraq by issuing a statement declaring the ``dead soldiers coming home in coffins are just over-wounded.''

Even NAMBLA has its limits: Asked why only Republican pages were warned of Foley's indiscretions, House Speaker Dennis Hastert, R-Ill., was incredulous. ``Have you seen the Democratic pages?'' asked Hastert. ``What congressional predator in his right mind would waste an e-mail on them?''

Won't someone please think about the books? As chairman of the Missing and Exploited Children's Caucus, Foley introduced legislation in July to protect children from exploitation by adults over the Internet. ``We track library books better than we do sexual predators,'' said Foley.

``But our book covers haven't had a problem with Rep. Foley,'' said a spokesman for the Library of Congress. ``It's a different story with their pages.'' Bit-a-bump.

Don't the children get prettier at closing time? Mel Gibson has denounced ex-Rep. Foley's blaming his sordid behavior with minors on his drinking. ``First of all, not only is blaming alcohol a lame excuse, but it's my lame excuse,'' said the actor/director/curiosity. ``Worst of all, it cheapens alcohol and what it's really meant to do -- generate anti- Semitism.''

L.A. deviate wannabes: In an attempt to show sex scandals can also play well at the local level, former Mayor James Hahn's deputy, Troy Edwards, told a grand jury that a member of the Airport Commission paid for his 90-minute, $130 massages, some of which left him, um, feeling completed. A spokesperson for the masseuse said the claims were pure fiction. ``Nine minutes, maybe. But 90 minutes? C'mon.''

An Edwards attorney defended his client's actions. ``It's not like the deputy mayor text-messaged the masseuse.''

Losing well: With this past week's deluge of what some might call ``bad news'' for Republicans: Rep. Foley's faux pas, Bob Woodward's revelation of a Bush White House bent on lying its way though Iraq and revelations that convicted felon/former lobbyist Jack Abramoff made more than 400 visits to the White House, pollsters say there's a good chance that come November, the Democrats won't lose as badly as normal.

Takes one to know when it's time not to know one: Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger distanced himself from President Bush during the commander-in-chief's visit to Los Angeles last week. ``Why would I spend precious campaign time with a Republican?'' said the governor. Reminded that he, too, is a Republican, Schwarzenegger winked, ``Not until after the election.''

Phil Amber Alert: Left with no alternative, the Democratic Party has issued milk cartons with pictures of Phil Angelides' campaign on them.

Lincoln/Grant redux: Less than one week after surviving an accidental drug overdose, All-Pro disaster-waiting-to-happen Terrell Owens caught five passes for 88 yards, leading the Dallas Cowboys to victory. Immediately after the game, Coach Bill Parcells asked the team doctor what Owens was taking, and then had him triple every player's prescription.

Don't fence me in ... totally: The new billion-dollar border fence appropriation will provide 700 miles of fencing between the U.S. and Mexico. ``But just to make sure it covers the entire border that stretches nearly 2,100 miles, the fence will be built in one-foot increments, two feet apart,'' said an anonymous congressman who voted for the bill before he did the math, though just in time for the election.

Just a regular old week: Last week, Anna Nicole Smith had a baby girl, her son died of a drug overdose, her lawyer claimed to be the father of the baby, her ex-boyfriend insisted that he was the father of the baby, her lawyer married her, and her lawyer -- who was not the lawyer she married -- said the marriage was not binding. Next week, things are expected to get wild.