ALL THE NEWS THAT'S FIT TO SPOOF BIG OIL: JUMPING OIL PRICE, IT'S A GAS, GAS, GAS.

Byline: Steve Young

What a surprise: U.S. Department of Energy officials say that gas prices will be soaring up to what gas company CEOs are calling "put the new pool over there by the new yacht" levels.

Malcontent Attacks 1600: The Secret Service identified the man who jumped over the fence onto the White House lawn as a disgruntled loser who just couldn`t forget the past. John Kerry apologized for his lapse of decorum.

Last throws: Vice President Dick Cheney ignored boos to throw out the first pitch at the Washington Nationals` home-opener. While his pitch didn`t reach the plate, it was able to hit an extremely wealthy lawyer seated behind the dugout.

Moussaoui defense pleads sympathy: In an attempt to spare the 9-11 conspirator from the death penalty, the defense team for Zacarias Moussaoui has used the rarely utilized "pity" maneuver. "Not pity for our client," said one anonymous Moussaoui defense attorney. "Pity for us. You try defending an unrepentant heartless moron who`s obviously a terrorist."

The attorney added, "Did I say that out loud? Damn."

Double-wide poison: Word that the trailers in Iraq that were originally said to be bio-labs built to produce weapons of mass destruction were actually designed for the propagation of hydrogen for weather balloons. Presidential spokesman Scott McClellan defended the president`s characterization. "It`s not beyond reason that some devilish Iraqi kid could have filled those balloons with water, or worse, toadstools, and sent it over the U.S.," said McClellan. "I think we`d all agree that we don`t need the smoking gun to be a mushroom balloon."

Really, really close: Iran`s admission of enriched uranium proves President George W. Bush to be 100 percent right on WMD and only one letter off on the country invaded.

Spears parenting skills update: Britney Spears` baby, Sean, was reported to suffer a fractured skull, probably from a fall out of his high chair.

It took six days of the baby`s lethargic behavior before she and her husband, Kevin Federline, brought the toddler to the hospital for treatment. Spears said it was a legitimate mistake. "I just thought Sean was taking after his father."

Homeland Security failures in demand: Michael Brown, former director of FEMA, is negotiating a consulting contract with St. Bernard Parish, the area in New Orleans hardest-hit by Hurricane Katrina. Word has it that Homeland Security Secretary Brian Doyle - arrested for hitting on minors on the Internet - is interviewing to become the new security chief at MySpace.com.

Illegal flag-waving: Hundreds of thousands of American flags showed up in this week`s immigration protests. Rumors that they were made in Mexico were untrue. Most were made in China.

Nothing to do with genes: This week, cuddly Simon Cowell attributed Sherman Oaks` Kelly McPhee`s radiance to the technical crew of "American Idol."

"You owe a big kiss to the director and the lighting director because they made you look amazing," said Cowell. Then Cowell voted Kelly`s parents` genetic contribution off the show.

That`s not peanuts: People are complaining about the $39 million that`s being considered to adequately house the Los Angeles Zoo`s three elephants in a new 3.5-acre exhibit in Griffith Park. That`s only $13 million apiece. C`mon, folks. You couldn`t buy a five-bedroom duplex in Los Feliz for $13 million.

After all, we are your neighborhood paper: For those readers who wondered why the Daily News gave Page 3 space Thursday to news of a truck hitting a deer in Glendale, it`s because the elderly Chatsworth woman who pricked her finger sewing took all the room on the front page.