ALL THE NEWS THAT'S FIT TO SPOOF ARNOLD WANTS CHINA ANNEXED.

Byline: STEVE YOUNG

Arnold in China: With the overwhelmingly positive reaction he received in China, the governor has announced plans to call for a special election to redistrict China into California. ``It's about time we stop putting geographic designations in the hands of biased, map-bending cartographers,'' said the popular-everywhere-but-California governor.

It wasn't that big a fib: White House papers show that the big oil companies did participate in Vice President Dick Cheney's secret energy policy meetings. Oil company CEOs told senators last week that their companies did not participate. A release from the oil giants, titled ``We thought you were talking about another secret energy meeting,'' explained the discrepancy. ``Do you think it's easy keeping track of all the secret energy meetings we go to? Which meeting was which? Who was there? What did they serve for dessert? After a while, you can understand how one secret meeting blends into another.''

More Watergate nostalgia: Bob Woodward of The Washington Post revealed that he was told by a senior White House official that Joseph Wilson's wife worked for the CIA three months before that news was reported in a column by Robert Novak. Woodward explained that he had mixed up this information with his promise not to reveal Deep Throat's identity. ``As a reporter, there are so many things you promise - or what some cynics call 'lying' - to get the inside story, who can keep them straight?'' said the formerly credible investigative reporter. ``In fact, I had planned not to reveal that I was actually Robert Redford until after I had died - d'oh!''

God takes blame for Pat Robertson: In a stunning announcement, the Lord said that he, in fact, was responsible for 700 Club chief executive Pat Robertson and his asinine proclamations, such as a proclamation that God would not help the citizens of Dover, Pa., because they voted out the board of education members who wanted ``intelligent design'' to be taught in their schools. ``I was sure when people saw what orifice Robertson was talking out of, they would get it,'' said the Intelligent Designer himself. ``Guess the joke was too inside.''

Dodgers name new GM: And the task at hand won't be a walk in the park. New general manager Ned Colletti won't have the advantage recent Dodger general managers have had - a winner to break up. ``Ned's job won't be easy,'' said a nervously twitching team official who chose to remain anonymous so that he could keep his job. ``With so little talent and even less chemistry, tearing apart the team, as well as the hearts of Dodger fans, will be a toughie.''

Huh?: GQ magazine has announced that it will name Jennifer Aniston its 2005 Man of the Year. In a totally unrelated story, most heterosexual men now think they must be gay.

Those darn holiday speeches: In response to the president's decision to use a Veterans Day speech to slam his critics, including many who are veterans, Democrats announced that they will have a rebuttal, but they will wait until Presidents Day to give it. Coming up next for the president: his annual Thanksgiving Day message, which will take the Pilgrims to task.

Secure your load: Studies of Los Angeles freeways have found that most traffic problems emanate from a mattress in the far-left lane. Efforts to remove the mattress have been, to date, unsuccessful.

Just the naughty parts: In now what seems just a big misunderstanding over what some thought was a call by Bill O'Reilly for al-Qaida to attack San Francisco, the radio-TV talk-show host clarified his comments. ``I didn't mean all of San Francisco,'' explained the no-spinmeister. ``My God, I love that city. I just meant the part that doesn't watch 'The Factor.'''

Paris not burning - as much: In a tremendous setback to dissidents who have taken a torch to the country, French officials say that the protests have lessened as the demonstrators are slowly running out of cars to burn. ``They are burning cars faster than we can build them,'' said Mssr. Bijou, minister of transportation. ``On a positive note, Paris traffic has never run so smoothly.''

McBrain Food: When school officials took junk food off the menu at Inglewood High School, students' business IQ went up 200 percent. Turning adversity into an economic opportunity and giving Colombian drug lords a run for their money, some students launched a black-market cartel to smuggle the banned food into school and sell it at a 20 percent profit. While school administrators were indignant over the students' using the junk-food shortage to gouge the student body, oil company CEOs have begun a new employee-recruitment policy at local high schools.