ALL THE NEWS THAT'S FIT TO SPOOF 2006: A YEAR OF LESSONS LEARNED -- OR NOT.

Byline: STEVE YOUNG

IT was quite a year, wasn't it?

You should know, since you were Person of the Year. But while you were bathing in all your 365 days of glory, there were others who were making the headlines. And what really made the year stand out -- other than you -- was how they almost ruined it for you.

Their screw-ups, greed, self-inflated egos and outright disdain for standard sanity provided us with plenty of evidence that no matter how much money, celebrity and power they might have, how thankful for you -- and the rest of the world -- that you aren't they. In fact, my guess is, the only reason they didn't obliterate mankind altogether was you.

The good news is that in a year of gaffes, malfunctions and unmitigated narcissism, you can learn enough from them to make 2007 an even bigger and better year for you.

2006's teachers and lessons...

Michael Richards and Mel Gibson: It is what you say.

Jack Abramoff: And who you pay.

While O.J. Simpson taught us he'll never go away.

And, pacing O.J., John Mark Carr showed us that admitting to murder could make you more famous than actually committing the murder.

Duke Cunningham and Bob Ney: Watch what you take.

Mark Foley: And who you try to make.

Patrick Kennedy: DUIs can be genetic.

John Kerry: Telling a joke can make people happy, but not as happy as the other Democrats who want to run for president in 2008.

Al Gore: Global warming might destroy the planet, but it can get you a good seat at the Oscars.

Britney Spears: Being a good mother means driving with your baby in your lap, and that lap is sometimes better talked about rather than seen.

Naomi Campbell: Cell phones work well at short distances, too.

Tom Cruise: Handsome doesn't protect us from weird.

Rehab centers: Twelve-step programs make wonderful hiding places for celebrities and politicians.

Donald Rumsfeld: No matter how many times you drive a bus off a cliff, the result is still going to be the same.

Donald Rumsfeld, redux: If you're driving the bus from thousands of miles away, only the passengers die.

Antonio Villaraigosa: If you can do one job, you might as well do them all.

Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger: Affordable health care is only a good thing for people who can afford it.

Pamela Anderson, Reese Witherspoon Jessica Simpson and Whitney Houston: Beauty doesn't translate into marital bliss (though I'm thinking nine out of 10 guys would still be willing to give these poor girls another shot).

``Brokeback Mountain'': Cowboys kiss more than their horses ... and can now be married in New Jersey.

(Former) Sen. and (former) potential presidential candidate George Allen, R-Va: You can lose an election and your presidential possibilities just by racially slurring college students and hanging a noose in your office.

Dick Cheney: Shooting a friend in the face isn't a crime anymore.

Rev. Ted Haggard: Hypocrisy can be pursued religiously.

Kim Jong Il and Mahmoud Ahmadinejad: You really do have to be crazy to want to run a country. Certifiably.

Ken Lay, Slobodan Milosevic and Abu Musab al-Zarqawi: It's not only the good who die young.

CBS: The secret to successful television programming is to add ``CSI'' to every show's title.

Katie Couric: Perkier doesn't necessarily make news any newsier.

``Deal or No Deal'': Dumb is no longer a deal-breaker.

Donald Trump and Rosie O'Donnell: Massive obnoxiousness does not discriminate against gender, sexual preference or combover.

YouTube: Amateurs can be more entertaining than the pros.

MySpace: A lot of nothing can be very profitable for the people who provide a Web site for a lot of nothing.

James Frey, author of ``A Million Little Pieces'': You can have a promotable success and devastating failure with the same book.

Oprah: You have the power to promote or devastate.

The Democratic Party: You don't have to have an organized party to win an election.

The Republican Party: Being organized means little when your crimes aren't.

President George W. Bush: Being a good listener doesn't imply you can hear most of America.

The White House: If you want to cut out the terrorism middle man, farm out Homeland Security to United Arab Emerates.

The Defense Department: Catchphrases can't win a war unless they're loose lips sinking ships.

Homeland Security: Perrier is as dangerous as a shoe bomb.

Rush Limbaugh: Making fun of an endearing and passionate disabled person is embarrassingly lame.

Paris Hilton: Celebrity has nothing to do with reason.

Borat: Being an idiot can bring out the idiot in everyone.

Energy companies: The price of gas goes down proportionately with the amount of days left before an election and goes up like a rocket immediately after.

Lettuce, spinach, tomatoes: Healthy food doesn't have to be healthy.

Pluto: No matter how long you've been around, in the astronomy biz, it's always how big are you lately that really counts.

Most important, 2006 taught us that without Cialis, Viagra, rich Nigerian widows, replica watches, stock tips and Japanese porn marketers, we might never get any e-mail.

May all your 2007 mistakes and failures become steppingstones to happiness and success.