ALL THE NEWS THAT'S FIT SPOOF GIBSON: `WELL, THERE WAS TUESDAY ...'.

Byline: STEVE YOUNG

How many days did it take? -- In a television interview aired this week, actor/director/producer/really bad spokesman for harmonious fellowship Mel Gibson said he has been sober for 65 days. He did not identify which 65 days they were.

Turnabout is fair play -- After six years of Democrats blaming every problem we have on President George W. Bush, the Republicans have taken the offensive by blaming the Democrats for the ramifications from the Mark Foley affair. ``Nancy Pelosi (D, Cali.) marched in a gay pride parade three positions away from a NAMBLA member, and has yet to say she's against that guy's values,'' said Republican National Committee chairman Ken Mehlman. ``Not only that, she has yet to say she's against Indonesian tsunamis, lactose intolerance, the film `Bewitched,' and that disease that makes kids grow old fast and you feel so bad for them but kind of forget about it the moment the `Oprah' special is over.'' Mehlman also revealed the party's new but less-than-enthusiastic slogan: ``Vote Republican. It's One Of The Choices.''

Dems' newest slogan -- ``Vote Democrat. Our Interns Are Older.''

Stay out of their Beltway ... literally -- Due to the last eight years of ``indiscretion,'' Washington, D.C., has passed an ordinance not allowing anyone under the age of 25 into the seat of the nation, so to speak.

Cancerous tumors aren't necessarily a bad thing -- ``There has been an overreaction to long-term effects of the extremely tiny nuclear reactor meltdown over 50 years ago,'' said the Santa Susana P.R. director, Oliver Twistdafacts. ``There were plenty of three-headed coyotes and kids with glow-in-the-dark teeth before Santa Susana and there'll be plenty after.''

Tan vs. Bland -- Well, now that the big hourlong debate between the governor and the other guy -- who, I think, is running -- is over, we have all the information we need to vote for the right man. Unfortunately, he probably isn't running.

T vs. B add -- Gov. Schwarzenegger appeared on ``The Tonight Show,'' adding to Phil Angelides' consternation that he is falling even further behind in campaign coverage. Jay Leno said he would consider booking Angelides just as soon as he can prove that vast governmental experience can beat film and groping experience in running a state.

An hour later you want to revisit L.A. -- During his trade-promoting visit through Asia, Mayor Antonio Villaraigosa announced the opening of a Los Angeles tourism office in Beijing. ``My goal is to bring more Chinese to L.A.,'' said the mayor. ``And once we figure how to keep people fresh in those little white boxes, we will.'' The mayor added that ``he'd be here all week.''

Silly little peep -- Not really the best with shooting off weapons, North Korea's latest was a ``possible'' nuclear weapons test that was so weak, weapons experts aren't sure whether it actually took place. ``It wasn't detonated as much as it slipped,'' said one North Korean scientist. ``We were planning to put it in a cannon and shoot off one of our clowns holding the warhead into a net, but one of our elephants got loose and ate Bozo,'' admitted North Korean leader Kim Nutjob Il. ``But the flag that said `BOOM' worked fine.''

Wait till next year ... again -- ``We will work this off-season to put together a team that will go further next year,'' said L.A. Dodgers General Manager Ned Colleti. ``This year, we lost our series in three games. Next year, we hope to lose it in two.''

Thank God -- Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie patched up their little tiff just in time for the premiere of this season's ``The Simple Life.'' ``We weren't really mad at each other,'' said the loverly Hilton. ``We just didn't think this much skank could fit in one room.''

Oops -- Madonna has adopted an African baby. Unfortunately, the baby was Angelina Jolie's. Word is that Madonna wanted to adopt a child who she could save from a life filled with jeopardy, but Brittany Spears wouldn't give up hers.

Gettin' crowded -- With a rate of one person every 11 seconds, the U.S. population should officially pass 300 million sometime this week. Jolie refused comment.

The rich are different -- Google has purchased the Internet video site YouTube for $1.65 billion from the two twentysomethings who created the site a little over two years ago. ``It's not really a lot of money if you break it down,'' said newest wealthier-than-God entrepreneur, Chad Hurley. ``Number one, we have to split the money between the two of us, and if you spread it over the two years it took to build the Web site, it comes down to only a little over $400 million a year. There is no number two. But when you're as rich as we are right now, who cares?''

What the hey! -- Once again, the Nobel Prize for Literature did not go to a satirical newspaper columnist -- neither O'Reilly nor me. I'm guessing the committee knows nothing about really good writing and stuff.

Not funny at all but at least they didn't have to die over here -- A study from The Johns Hopkins Bloomberg School of Public Health maintains that over 655,000 Iraqis have died since 2003 because of the war.

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Photo:

(color) U.S. House Minority Leader Rep. Nancy Pelosi speaks as Speaker of the House Dennis Hastert listens.

Alex Wong/Getty Images