ALL STARS LOOKING FOR A SCENE LIKE THIS TODAY? FORGET IT, JACK - IT'S EAST RUTHERFORD.

Byline: - Rob Lowman

WHEN THE LAKERS take on the Nets today at the Continental Airlines Arena in Meadowlands Sports Complex in New Jersey, you can bet there won't be the same celebrity buzz that there is courtside at the Staples Center. You know Brad and Matt and Don and Salma and Dustin and, of course, Jack, who were in a party mood at Wednesday's opening game.

Notice how longtime Laker fan Nicholson keeps Nets' coach Byron Scott - a star L.A. player during the Magic Johnson years - amused? bemused? Or maybe Scott's gritting his teeth behind that smile.

And, Brad, what's with that Jeremiah Johnson look? And come on Dustin, leave the cell phone turned off. The crowd's screaming too loud for anyone to hear you, anyway. And what are Hollywood honchos Jeffrey and Barry doing together - cooking up another merger? And, Salma, just keep showing up to give us a break from scruffy guys and sweaty basketball players.

Let's face it: The only way the Nets can top a Staples Center game for celebrity excitement will be if Jimmy Hoffa - rumored to be buried in the end zone of the nearby football stadium - shows up.

About all you can expect is maybe the real Sopranos to drop by. Oh, we forgot, they're all in the Witness Protection Program.

CAPTION(S):

6 photos

Photo:

(1 -- 2 -- color) Jack Nicholson, top left, asks Nets coach and former Laker Byron Scott (squatting) if he can handle the truth of a New Jersey loss; below, Celtics backer Matt Damon assumes the identity of a Lakers fan.

(3 -- 5 -- color) Hello? Yes, Dustin Hoffman here. You should see freakin' Brad Pitt ... oh, and Salma Hayek sends her love.

(6 -- color) Barry Diller, left, chairman of Vivendi Universal, and Jeffrey Katzenberg, the K in DreamWorks SKG, envision the potential box-office from ``Kazaam II.''

Evan Yee/Staff Photographer

Tom Mendoza/Staff Photographer