ALL NEWS IS, WELL, NO NEWS.

Byline: KEVIN MODESTI

The long and short of it:

I go on vacation and what do I miss? Corruption in boxing, uncertainty for Los Angeles' NFL prospects, a wig-out by Dennis Rodman, a first-round loss for UCLA, hotheaded behavior by Kevin Brown and an Angels pitcher's arm injury. In other words, no news.

The Dodgers have problems - left-handed relief, Todd Hundley's elbow, Gary Sheffield's head. Only about 29 other teams have worse.

Twelve different major-league franchises (out of 30) have played in the past 10 World Series. Twelve different Division I universities (out of 300-plus) have played in the past 10 NCAA basketball finals. Since baseball's economic structure is roundly criticized for allowing only a few fat cats to win, why does everybody say the NCAA tournament is great because ``the Cinderellas have a chance''?

The little guys do have a chance to win a couple of games, just not to go all the way. Gonzaga's enrollment: 3,950. Smallest school to win the NCAA title in the post-Wooden era: Villanova (1985), enrollment 10,019.

If sports fans have a ``so-what'' attitude about the Olympic payoffs scandal, one reason is that the Games' wholesome image faded long ago, gone the way of true amateurism and competing for the love of sport.

Last year when I walked into the main hallway at Dodgertown in Vero Beach, Fla., the first people I saw were Peter O'Malley and Bill Russell. This year it was a guy carrying a tray of soft drinks.

Besides that, none of the Dodgertown magic was missing in the first full spring training with Fox in charge. Maybe it really is the place that's special, and the baseball people are interchangeable.

Happiest line in the Dodgers' 1999 media guide: ``Organist . . . Nancy Bea Hefley.'' We Foxophobes thought she'd be replaced with a rock 'n' roll deejay by now.

Here's why it's ludicrous to base your MVP vote on whose team made the playoffs: If Kerry Wood's arm injury had occurred a year ago, then Sammy Sosa's Cubs would have been .500, and Mark McGwire would have been the MVP. Right?

Wood, Matt Morris, Paul Wilson, Nomar Garciaparra . . . How many more elbow injuries would there have been this spring without the stupendous advances in the fields of athletic training and medicine in recent decades?

Then there's Jason Dickson's shoulder: If the Angels can't overcome this, they weren't going to win anyway. In two major-league seasons, Jason's opponents are hitting .294.

Hope this guy has sense of humor: The Cubs' executive vice president of business operations is Mark McGuire.

What does it mean when the Galaxy draws just 17,000 fans for its season opener, while soccer fans apparently are forking over $19.95 for the cablecast of an England-Poland European Championship qualifying match Saturday at 7 a.m.? It means quality and significance still matter.

The cable sports expansion has created the phenomenon of the timeless event. A NASCAR race, a Forum boxing card and a USC baseball game were on TV Tuesday afternoon. I'm guessing they weren't shown live. Why not an occasional graphic explaining when and where the events took place and what was at stake? I'd be more likely to keep watching.

How many of the movie stars who sat on their hands when Elia Kazan received his lifetime-achievement Oscar also believe Pete Rose should be in the Baseball Hall of Fame? It's the same debate, isn't it?

The Lakers are 5-0 in a revealing statistical category that I just made up: They've won five road games against teams with better-than-.500 records, and they've yet to blow a home game against a team that came in at .500 or worse. Here's how some other NBA teams fared: Utah, 4-0; Sacramento, 3-0 (!); Indiana, Miami and Milwaukee, 3-1; Clippers, 1-5.

A connection between $1 million in late bets on Evander Holyfield and the inaccurate judging in his fight with Lennox Lewis? Sounds far-fetched. Gamblers would have received higher odds by betting on Lewis. And if the men in the white ties really knew how the evening would turn out, they could have got 30-1 by wagering it would be a draw.

If you're not interested in the Kentucky Derby this year, it won't be for lack of intrigue. The May 1 race is likely to be the first Derby since 1984 to include more than one filly. It could be the first ever to include more than two. The mystery horse is Worldly Manner, who's being trained in unorthodox fashion in his owner's native Dubai. Worldly Manner won a 1-1/8-mile ``trial race' there Sunday in a reported 1:46.59 - almost too fast to be believed.

Errant-cliche watch: AP says Joe Torre ``could be sidelined as long as 12 weeks.'' Isn't a manager supposed to be on the sideline?

Sports that could use more extensive media coverage: Soccer, horse racing, judo, water skiing, archery, pie-eating, field hockey, cricket, Frisbee, checkers, demolition derby, darts, frog jumping, phone-booth stuffing.

Sports that couldn't: women's college basketball.

OK if Roberto Benigni makes himself at home in Hollywood, but please say he won't become a Lakers fan.