ALKALINE: "Two lazy guys and a drunk".

IMPOSSIBLE NOT TO LIKE JUST A LITTLE BIT, the Alkaline Trio make Hellraiser-type pop. On the surface, it's a neat little box of tuneful punk, but when you start listening with more than half an ear, millions of little hooks attached to chains fly out. Instead of ripping your face off, skinning you alive, and taking you to a land where you're barbecued on a spit in a slow roast, they offer barbed candy corn songs laced with sarcasm, wit, and other stuff that isn't so nicey-nice. You'll be humming at least one song long after you listen, even if you try to actively resist.

We were supposed to play tonight, but the show got postponed because those Blink 182 dudes are doing some sort of rock star shit, like a video. My friend Rob--he roadied for JFA--he got me all these Skate Rock stickers. I have Thrasher stickers all over my guitars right now.

I've never heard that before, but that's pretty accurate. I'd be the drunk.

Was it Pabst?

See, that's malt liquor though. I should have asked Mike, 'cause Mike got one of those new Apple G4 laptops. It's got a DVD player in it, so on our flight out here, he was watching Fast Times.

"Works every time." Billy Dee Williams. Beatin' women and drinking Colt 45.

No, dude, but that would be kickass. That would be a really good idea for a video. Some hot girl in a white t-shirt, her shirt getting progressively wetter and wetter so that you could totally see her boobs and nipples and stuff It would be amazing. I'm totally into it.

I'm trying to think of a really clever way to answer that... I don't know.

Really?

That would have been a little hard to fit on a t-shirt. If anyone's looking for a way to name their band, open a dictionary and start flipping through it. You'll find your name in there. It's the "Two lazy guys and a drunk" plan.

No one's actually ever untied my shoes, but it's a good idea. I've gotten a few leg strokes in my time. Mostly kids jump on stage to sing along and accidentally step on or unplug my volume pedal. It's punk, whatever.

Well, there's two different kinds. Mike and I have termed them "Funbusters." 'cause they deny having fun in our hotel with the Playstation. There's this fucking thing they put over where the coaxial goes onto the TV; this weird little sheaf so you can't unscrew the coaxial, but there's two different kinds. One of 'em's a really shitty fuckin' version, made out of aluminum--you can't break that one. But this one night, me and Mike stayed up for three hours. It was one of the plastic ones. We unscrewed the back panel of the TV so we could get it flat on the desk; we just had the cable hooked to the paneling where the wires go in. We took the iron, got it really hot, and started melting the plastic. For about an hour. It was really bad. We got plastic all over the iron. We were just trying to melt this groove into it, and we were thinking we could cut it, but the plastic--it was some intense shit, man. They really don't want us to use our Playstation. I was getting so frustrated, and I just had to go in the fli cking bathroom and smoke a bowl and really think about this, and when I was in there, I noticed the toilet had this big. heavy porcelain lid on top, so we got the plastic really brittle and then I went and got the porcelain lid and set it right on the crack there, stood on it, bounced up and down three times, and it snapped it right off We were victorious, three or four hours later. We played with it until seven in the morning. We had to. I think I got my best Tony Hawk scores ever that night.